Mick Moynihan is putting together a crew of undercover feds to take down the Nidge crime family. Horse faced detective Ciaran Madden is his first recruit – he’ll never say neigh to a challenge. He is joined by Detective Doorman and Detective Obama (or Gavin as the mixed-race policeman probably prefers to be called) “Put these fuckers put away for a long stretch” is mission intent and the boys are all down with that. Play dirty and fuck with their heads. Game on.
Horse faced detective Ciaran Madden is his first recruit – he’ll never say neigh to a challenge.
They deliver the first low blow when Elmo gets caught with an ounce of coke and they noisily let him go, shouting “thanks for the assistance!” as Elmo begs to be charged. Way to sow seeds of mistrust, guys. Spraying ELMO IS A RAT on his block of flats that night only rattles him further. Elmo may not be talking but Simple Tom lets slip that it was “fucking Fran” in the devil mask during the kidnapping and you can just imagine Fran’s reaction to that. If you imagined homicidal psychosis then award yourself a fucking coconut, genius.
Imagine Fran’s reaction to that. If you imagined homicidal psychosis then award yourself a fucking coconut, genius.
Back down the station world’s most inept bent copper Shartin is rumbled by Mick who knew his daddy and tells him that pops would be terribly ashamed of him – not for being bent, for being so easily caught. It’s not much of an inconvenience for Nidge who reveals his organisation’s hard-to-beat dental plan: Use Andrew the dentist dope to legally obtain lidocaine which, as well as its common use in dentistry, is also used as a mixing agent for class A drugs. You know, every so often Nigel shows why he’s not already dead or doing 300 consecutive life sentences.
Nidge reveals his organisation’s hard-to-beat dental plan: Use Andrew the dentist dope to legally obtain lidocaine
It’ll be largely up to Fran to liaise with Andrew but he’s having a few dental issues of his own. In the pub toilets an older gentleman who we’ll call Noely Hughes (because that’s his name) blindsides him and smashes his head into the tiles. He’s minus a couple of teeth but no less handsome. Fran gets the better of him after a pretty ugly struggle which, coincidentally, is a good way to describe the sexual intercourse between Fran and Mrs Hughes that prompted the attack in the first place. Later that night Noely comes at him again with an accomplice, a baseball bat and a shotgun. Still Fran prevails and he’s starting to feel like Rasputin if Rasputin was more Mick, less hairy and missing a few teeth.
Fran’s starting to feel like Rasputin if Rasputin was more Mick, less hairy and missing a few teeth.
It’s a busy week for abortive assassination attempts as Lizzie and Wayne wait for Nidge to get out of the car outside the hospital where his mammy recovers from a stroke. He doesn’t want to see his stupid family though and drives off blissfully unaware that he’s cheated death yet again. But death will come to him, my friends¹, as surely as car theft comes to anybody who parks in Dublin for longer than 20 minutes.
The verdict: The IRA’s youth recruitment drive declared resounding success.
Marks out of 10: 7.5
¹ Drink millennia old piss of the Pharaohs, kumquat balls. You are not Aerial Telly’s “friends”.