King Of Shaves advert featuring John Terry

ITV

The sub genre of shaving pornography is a relatively recent development in TV. The old school grooming routine of shit, shower and shave has been usurped by the metrosexual one hour defoliation and fragrancing process. To shave these days is not merely a matter of removing facial hair, it’s an expression of who you are. And who you are is not someone who likes girls. As Joy from My Name Is Earl points out this is down that the fact that a lot of men these days are half fruit – a suspicion
confirmed by the barely suppressed homoeroticism of your modern shaving advert.

"As Joy from My Name Is Earl points out this is down that the fact that a lot of men these days are half fruit."

And few shaving product adverts are as in-your-face as the current King of Shaves effort. Death In Vegas’s Dirge providing the backdrop as Chelsea and England’s John Terry tells us how he gets down in the bathroom. No, not like that.

"Be the first to say we can when others say we can’t
Be one step ahead, never half a yard behind
Be quick to dig in when others bail-out
Be firm but always fair
Be proud but never arrogant
Be the fastest when you can, or the smartest when you can’t
Be who you are not who they tell you to be
Be the best you can be
Be a King…"

"It’s long since been acknowledged that anybody who references Kipling’s ‘If’ is a criminal degenerate and an illiterate shitbag."

I’ve never been a fan of these Rudyard Kipling’s ‘If’ type homilies – particularly when delivered by John "not guilty, your honour" Terry. It’s long since been acknowledged that anybody who references Kipling’s ‘If’ is a criminal degenerate and an illiterate shitbag. It’s the poem for people who don’t read poetry – the type of people whose favourite piece of opera is O Sole Mio but with the words from the Cornetto advert. The type of people who get wet at the thought of Torvill and Dean On Ice

"Meaningless platitudes are no less meaningless when they come from an East London thug holding a razor."

Life, and how we ought to behave are complicated, nothing is clear cut and everything we know is wrong. Meaningless platitudes are no less meaningless when they come from an East London thug holding a razor. All this "standing tall – never sitting down" bollocks doesn’t help anyone. One line fortune cookie drivel that freshens and moisturises.

The worst thing of all is that this stuff works. As Cialdini points out in Influence the association principle is one of the most consistently successful advertisers use. And while Terry has the kind of face that you might more readily associate with holding a razor to your throat rather than at his stubble should England do well at the World Cup then King Of Shaves will be flying off the shelves like shit off a shovel.

"Footballers are lowdown womanising shitbags not moral leaders or examples for the youth."

This, we don’t want. Professional footballers freely telling us how to conduct ourselves is a sign of a sick society – be it for flogging shaving cream or merely for the hell of it. I preferred it when chain-smoking fat bastards calling themselves footballers would appear on Superstars and discover they were no more fit than somebody who cycled a mile to work each morning. Footballers are lowdown womanising shitbags not moral leaders or examples for the youth. It’s part of their appeal.

Let us not sully their reputation with rumours of competence, integrity and sexual fidelity. We do them a grave disservice.

The best thing about it: The mute button works just as well on this as any other advert.

The worst thing about it: "Repeated often, never infrequently.
Incessantly, never sporadically.
During England games and games featuring the Czech Republic.

Forever. And ever…"

The verdict on John Terry King Of Shaves advert: Will work best on those who believe in the Lynx effect .

Marks out of 10: 3