ITV
The Insania returns. The eighth season of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here begins in a climate of increasing hostility towards reality TV. The public complain of increasingly formulaic shows then go ballistic when that formula is changed. We’re jaded, cynical and bored. The people are still watching, albeit in smaller numbers. The sight of celebrities eating kangaroo bollocks and defecating in the rainforest seems to be a winner every time. Do celebrities crap in the woods? On ITV they do.
"The sight of celebrities eating kangaroo bollocks and defecating in the rainforest seems to be a winner every time. Do celebrities crap in the woods? On ITV they do."
So who have we got this year with a shit smeared arse and a mouthful of marsupial balls? I thought you’d never ask.
Brian Paddick: Ex-police chief, former Liberal Democrat candidate for Mayor of London and only gay in the jungle. Determined to prove that homosexual senior policeman can be just as effortlessly patronising and out of touch as their heterosexual counterparts.
"Paddick is determined to prove that homosexual senior policeman can be as effortlessly patronising and out of touch as their heterosexual counterparts."
Carly Zucker: Personal trainer fiancée of Joe Cole. Not massively morally offensive at the moment but you can’t help thinking that Joe Cole could do better. I mean, if Peter Crouch‘s bird is better looking than yours you have to at least ask the question, no?
Dani Behr: Dani’s Wikipedia page gives her date of birth as 1974. She, curiously, says she is 37 and some papers have her age as 40. Any old how, I remember when she used to date footballers. These days she would be referred to (tiresomely) as a WAG but Dani would be all "talk to the hand" as she’s a TV presenter in her own right so NER. Looks great. For 48.
"Esther must be 300 years old now. She was no spring chicken when she was presenting That’s Life and that was when TV sets were powered by gas."
Esther Rantzen: Esther must be 300 years old now. She was no spring chicken when she was presenting That’s Life and that was when TV sets were powered by gas. She came across sympathetically in the documentary about getting back into dating after her husband’s death not so long ago. Aerial Telly feels she has final two potential.
"Joe Swash just exists. Stupidly. Loudly. Incessantly. Semiliterate salt-of-the-earths have a good track record on reality TV so he’s likely to be around for the duration."
George Takei: Mr Sulu from Star Trek is fabulously gay, drily witty and seems certain to get Trekkies voting in their thousands. The only drawback is he’s even older than Esther Rantzen and every fucking step is an adventure at that age. Apparently though, the cunt does marathons and shit so just goes to show you that you can’t judge from leathery ancient gay appearances.
Joe Swash: While not exactly a bad lad, the Eastenders "actor" is very annoying and it’s strange because he’s not really doing anything wrong. He just exists. Stupidly. Loudly. Incessantly. Semiliterate salt-of-the-earths have a good track record on reality TV so he’s likely to be around for the duration. Let joy be unconfined.
"Navratilova is a vicious lesbian who apparently used to play tennis with other slightly less vicious lesbians. Some good judges think she is winner material. Her cold Slavic bluntness and godless lifestyle choices will surely put the kibosh on this outcome?"
Martina Navratilova: Navratilova is a vicious lesbian who apparently used to play tennis with other slightly less vicious lesbians with some degree of success. Some good judges think she is winner material. Her cold Slavic bluntness and godless lifestyle choices will surely put the kibosh on this outcome?
"Every footballer believes women should have no pubic hair and have two gigantic motionless mounds of plastic where their breasts should be."
Nicola McLean: Quite spectacularly skanky glamour model with laughable bowling ball tits, Nicola declares herself to be a "Diva SuperWAG!" and is determined to show that not all glamour models are "stoopid". She hopes not to be hampered in this quest by her colossal stoopidity, general skankiness and the cruel way the press will misrepresent her highly thoughtful pronouncements on the world and its inhabitants.
She is the girlfriend of footballing legend Tommy Williams (currently plying his trade at the famous Peterborough United) raising once again the possibility that every professional footballer believes women should have no pubic hair or eyebrows and have two gigantic motionless mounds of plastic where their breasts should be. Nicola, it’s safe to say, can fuck off any time she fancies it.
"He wants people to see the "real Robert" in the jungle. I think that’s exactly what they are going to see which is why Kilroy will achieve the memorable act of coming out of the jungle even less popular than he went in."
Robert Kilroy-Silk: the former chat show host and politician says he wants people to see the "real Robert" in the jungle. I think that’s exactly what they are going to see which is why Kilroy will achieve the memorable act of coming out of the jungle even less popular than he went in.
Simon Webbe: Oh do piss off. You’re wormfood, son.
Aerial Telly doesn’t really know about this. He will be watching because he’s going going to be betting on it. He may even benefit his many thousands of readers with a fabulous value tip at some point. He just wonders if we aren’t all being degraded by this.
And by "we", of course, he means "you". Cockmuncher.
The best thing about it: Kilroy’s impending implosion
The worst thing about it: Hard to fill a highlights show when there are no real highlights
The verdict on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2008: Could be painful.
Marks out of 10: 6