BBC Two
It’s taken her 9 years, millions of pounds and a lot of heartache but Nessa finally tracks down the one man in Kensington she hasn’t fucked. She gets to fucking with him sharpish. “Don’t you want to warm me up a bit first?” she asks as they make out. “Maybe I want you cold” he responds in what in retrospect seems something of a red flag. Some rape play ensues which she seems to dig. Then it gets a little too rough and strays into actual rape territory. Probably should have agreed on a safe word there, Nessa. Jeez, it’s like you’ve never seen Secretary.
Over in the Best Wank that nause Shlomo Zahary employs Nessa’s surveillance guy to work out that it was the Americans all along bugging like Lester from The Wire. Effing Americans man. It’s enough to make Jalalalala El-Amin blackmail Nessa with her secret and he is rewarded for his opportunistic endeavours with the Phase Three cuntract so with a bit of luck we won’t have to hear about that shite again.
When Nessa finds out the full extent of Ephra‘s deception she has an important technie conversation with her brother. “Did you let them put that listening thing on the lines?” she shouts. “Whoa! Slow down, Poindexter.” he says “Don’t play your Ivy League word games with me. Whatchootalkingbout?”
“Computer thing!” she squeals “Phones! Durkas! Look, I’m not entirely sure what I mean. My main areas of expertise are getting kidnapped and leaping into poorly thought out sub-dom scenarios with rapey strangers. Still: FUCK. YOU. ”
My main areas of expertise are getting kidnapped and leaping into poorly thought out sub-dom scenarios with rapey strangers.
In any case they have a really shit argument and Nessa storms off to the Israeli ambassador and starts laying down the law. He must do everything she says from now on or she’ll make everything public. “And believe me I’m very good on a public stage”. As anyone who’s actually seen her on a public stage will confirm this is the least factual statement since Oscar Pistorius said “It sounded just like a burglar my lady”.
Remarkably, an even shitter argument follows between Ephra and Jen from The IT Crowd about Hasbeen‘s true mother. Jen gets confused and seem to think that she’s the mother. There’s more shouting than you hear at two in the morning at Oscar Pistorius‘s gaffe on Valentine’s Day but tragically there are no fatalities this time.
It’s also getting dicey over at the safe house Durka Niki Lauda is holed up in and he and the young son of the household bond over guns. “A soldier has no choice” he tells him “A bit like that Jewish bird I raped. Cracked me up that did. Watch some cartoons?” The son becomes so bored he shoots himself, which pisses father right off. Niki Lauda is all “you ain’t seen me right?” and he skedaddles quicker than an unarmed IDF soldier wearing a Durka Bitch Killa T-shirt who just stumbled into West Bank Central Mosque.
The verdict: Guns don’t kill people – Durkas do.
Marks out of 10: 6