Homeland season 3 finale review | Better dead than red

jamdog

11 years ago

Showtime

Previously on Homeland: Dickless Brony brained Akbari with an ashtray. As we rejoin the soulless ginger traitor he drags Snackbari’s steaming soiled corpse out of the immediate line of view, steals his pistol and walks out like nothing happened. He encounters Mrs Snackbari on the stairs heading towards her husbland’s office. “What up baby girl?” he says with a wink as they pass. She nods awkwardly in response. “Well, that was a piece of piss” he chuckles under his breath as he reaches the door. Just at that moment Mrs Snackbari finds her husbland’s Humpty Dumpty eggshell head and shit brain smeared all over the carpet. Word gets out just as Brony sits in the car to take him back but he sticks a gun to the driver’s neck and says drive. Driver drives. He doesn’t want to end up another human cigarette in the Snackbari’s ashtray of life.

Just at that moment Mrs Snackbari finds her husbland’s Humpty Dumpty eggshell head and shit brain smeared all over the carpet.

After ditching the driver on the Hill of Teed he hooks up with Carrie and gets to a safe house about 100 clicks away from the scene of the crime. She tells him about the pregnancy. He rikee! “I can’t wait to be a father again! A little brother for Dana.” “What about Chris?” asks Carrie. “Who?” He responds. “Your son, little nause, fond of karate – never mind”.

“What about Chris?” asks Carrie. “Who?” He responds. “Your son, little nause, fond of karate – never mind”.

Back in the great Satan that beardy freak Saul is terribly impressed that Brony finally went through with it. He puts the extraction plan in motion. Unfortunately an unholy alliance of Tard Adal and Senator Fuckface has given up Brony’s location to the Iranians. They drag him away as Carrie howls like Ian “H” Watkins contemplating his online footprint.

They drag him away as Carrie howls like Ian “H” Watkins contemplating his online footprint.

Saul is not crazy about it either. “Fucking pussies all of you.” he says to Tard and Lockhart. Lockhart is the Director as of this moment forward so Saul is as powerless as the England cricket team’s 1992 tour of India was Gower-less.

Saul is as powerless as the England cricket team’s 1992 tour of India was Gower-less.

For Brony it’s a fast-track trial (this is Iran – fast-track means about 35 seconds) and a
public execution set for the very next day. Carrie pleads with Javadi for clemency. Instead he offers her consolation that as a result of his heroic ashtray thuggery “everyone sees him through your eyes now”. Yeah, a lot of fucking use that is raising a child alone. She talks to her baby daddy on the phone. He’s at peace. He tells her not to come to the execution. She promises she won’t but of course she has her fingers crossed.

He tells her not to come to the execution. She promises she won’t but of course she has her fingers crossed.

The hanging takes place at some hateful shitbox perimetered by a fence. Allahu Akbars and “down with the Albions” ring out as the condemned is brought towards his fate. He refuses a hood because Dickless Brony don’t go out like that. As is custom, Snackbari’s widow spits in his face and puts the noose around his neck. “Who’s the dead one now! LOL!” she says. It’s not top drawer but it’s the best she could come up with at short notice.

“Who’s the dead one now! LOL!” she says. It’s not top drawer but it’s the best she could come up with at short notice.

If you were thinking a public hanging would be a traditional gallows and trapdoor affair then you are wronger than Fiona Apple’s dog when she thought to herself “I should get a few more years leeching off this dopey bitch”. It’s a crane hanging so he is slowly winched off the ground and gradually choked out by his own bodyweight. 50 feet in the air he looks like he’s Peter Pan in pantomime. You keep expecting Bella Emberg to turn up as Tinker Bell.

50 feet in the air he looks like he’s Peter Pan in pantomime.

Among the baying savages there’s a lone cry face in the crowd. It’s Carrie Mathison.
She climbs up the chainmail fence screaming “Brony! Brony!” He’s there mid-air choking to death and looks at her all “bitch I thought I told you not to come?” but manages to splutter out the “I can see my house from up here!” joke – a joke as ancient and timeless as the Ayatollah’s ballbag.

He’s there mid-air choking to death but manages to splutter out the “I can see my house from up here!” joke

She gets whacked by a policeman’s truncheon, thank God, and Brody twitches like Nathan Cleverly every time someone mentions Krusher Kovalev. Fuck me, it’s taking forever. Finally the cunt dies. Treachery was his art, his true genius. Nobody did it quite like him. Bye Brony!

Finally the cunt dies. Treachery was his art, his true genius. Nobody did it quite like him.

Four months later. Iran has allowed UN inspectors to look at their nuclear shit in exchange for sanctions lifting. Saul is the man! Unfortunately he’s the man working in the private sector after Senator Fuckface (now Director Fuckface) shitcanned him. He’s somewhere hot and gorgeous with his wife right now but returns for the annual memorial where they place stars on the wall of the building for The Awesome Dead of the CIA.

Saul is the man! Unfortunately he’s the man working in the private sector after Senator Fuckface shitcanned him

Director Fuckface wants Carrie to be the youngest station chief in the agency’s history in Istanbul. It will certainly make it easier to run Javadi. She’s in! She wants Brony to have a commemorative star at this year’s memorial but he tells her to get to fuck. Carrie says OK but being the rogue she is creates a star out of tinfoil and sparkles and sticks it on to her vagina to commemorate him right there where he did his best work.