Heather Mills: what really happened

Channel 4

I know what you’re thinking "Paul McCartney‘s a billionaire so fuck him. Fuck him in his rancid hasn’t-made-a-good-record-in-decades arse. Think I give a ha’penny jizz about him getting taken for a few million? Hell nawwww papi." Ok, I see your point. But what about the salesman she married and left for a ski instructor? You must feel for him? "Fuck him" you say " He’s a salesman – not one of those bitches deserves to breathe the same air as the rest of us". Jesus – you don’t hold back. Right then. Won’t somebody think of the children? The children, I say? "Fuck Stella in her ear along with the rest of the fashionista plankton." Hm . So we really do have a victimless crime then? What were the odds?

"”Girls give it away free in Newcastle every night’ she continued as Aerial Telly readers checked the times of trains to Tyneside"

Heather Mills used to suck cock for a living. At least that’s what Heather Mills: what really happened says and I really don’t feel qualified to argue. No two-bob whore either – a proper classy high-class hooker according to her friend and professional high-class cocksucker colleague Denize. "Fookin’ minted we were", is the subtext of everything Denize says. "£10,000 a night – what girl wouldn’t do that?" Well clearly no girl you know, you disgusting little scuttler. "Girls give it away free in Newcastle every night" she continued as Aerial Telly readers checked the times of trains to Tyneside. The lesbian three-way romp tryst orgy sensation anticzzzz she revealed with Adnan Kashoggi, Kerry Packer and one of the royal princes of Saudi caused astonishment among those who hadn’t read it the first time around.

"It’s as if a magic machine has sucked out the sexuality from her. She is the polar opposite of pie. She is the Antipieist."

Mills denies prostitution allegations and this is properly treated with a healthy dose of scepticism. Because Mills is plainly a lying gold digging maniac. What is extraordinary about her is how spellbindingly unattractive she is. It’s as if a magic machine has sucked out the sexuality from her. She is the polar opposite of pie. She is the Antipieist.

So what is the hold she has over men? Her biographer insists it is a one-on-one charisma that doesn’t come across on camera. Film maker Jacques Peretti feigned surprise at the revelations in this documentary. He has clearly never read the Sunday newspapers as I’ve heard every one of these before in The People or The Screws. We know her claims don’t stand up to scrutiny. At best, they are embellished – at worst, made up. What made her this way? Maybe the abuse she says she suffered from her father as a child?

"He denies claims of abuse and provides Super 8 footage of Heather as a smiling child as evidence. This means precisely shit, by the way. There are smiling photos of Fred West’s children and that didn’t stop them ending up under the patio."

In an attempt to throw some light on this, Peretti tracks down her father. Ravaged by the effects of a stroke, he denies claims of abuse and provides Super 8 footage of Heather as a smiling child as evidence. This means precisely shit, by the way. There are smiling photos of Fred West‘s children and that didn’t stop them ending up under the patio. Peretti doesn’t seem to have much insight into Mills and while he is pretty thorough in following the leads you couldn’t help but feel a little short changed by the end result. We kind of already knew what Heather Mills was but we still don’t know why.

The best thing about it: Spliced together footage of her earlier florid claims.

The worst thing about it: Deciphering her drooling father.

The verdict on Heather Mills: what really happened: Can’t buy me love, no.

Marks out of 10: 7