Humiliation piles upon humiliation for Huey Morgan. Having watched the love of his life stolen by Patrick Kielty, the death of his idol, dwarf scrote piece of shit John Gotti, and been brutally violated by Rizzle Kicks and Blowall Fielding on Never Mind the Buzzcocks the Cum Lovin’ Criminals frontman faces a further indignity – voicing a BBC4 rock anthem documentary he doesn’t really believe in. Great American Rock Anthems: Turn it up to 11 may finally destroy him forever.
After being brutally violated on Never Mind the Buzzcocks the Cum Lovin’ Criminals frontman faces further indignity
You feel for him as the analysis in the script he is forced to read out is pretty ‘tarded. Although there’s an interesting section where 60s British rock is cited as providing multiple important touchstones for American anthems most of the time the talking heads drizzle on about “catching lightning in a bottle” and how “School’s Out was like a shot of B12 in your butt”.
The songs sell the myth of American liberation and there’s no better audience to sell that to than a country full of Americans: America. Toto belted out their debut single Hold the Line and shot straight into the anthem Hall of Fame. They may have been “eviscerated by the critics” but they were loved state-to-state by the fans and Steve Porcaro was getting pussy from Rosanna Arquette. The fuck they care?
We continue on to the weirdness of the irrepressibly naff Jim Steinman and Meat Loaf . Meat memorably explains how “people invented record labels to turn us down” before indie minnows Cleveland International Records took a chance on Bat Out Of Hell and struck a mother lode rarely equalled in rock history.
But success always has a downside. Foreigner‘s power ballads sold like wraps of cocaine to the rock band Foreigner – often and in great quantities – and yet lead singer Lou Gramm was fatally disillusioned by the bland’s new direction. “Final nails in the coffin” he says. Shit business, mate.
Foreigner’s power ballads sold like wraps of cocaine to the rock band Foreigner – often and in great quantities
The narrative of the documentary can’t help but sound like the conversation between Randy and Cassidy in The Wrestler, lamenting how after the 1980s golden age of Guns N’ Roses, Def Lep and Crüe “that Cobain pussy had to come around and ruin it all.” So it is fitting that we finish with Nirvana‘s destruction of hair metal with Smells like Teen Spirit.
But the real story here is Blewey Morgan being emasculated by a former guest presenter of This Morning. Seriously, where does he blow from here?
The verdict: I’ll steal your girlie and I’ll steal your weed. My name is Patrick Kielty. Once you go Irish…
Marks out of 10: 6