BBC Three
Stacey Dooley is a cabbage and the BBC, understanding that young people are soulless parasites who need to be spoken to by someone just like them, plucked her from her Luton sink estate checkout girl existence, frogmarched her to a studio and had her front serious documentaries about sweatshops, extremism, suicide and the like. The documentaries were well-received (by morons) and now there’s no stopping her. In Girls Behind Bars she investigates first-hand the only military style prison boot camp for women in the United States. Correctional facility meets emotional imbecility. It’s what the documentary form was made for.
" In Girls Behind Bars she investigates first-hand the only military style prison boot camp for women in the United States. Correctional facility meets emotional imbecility. It’s what the documentary form was made for."
If you have three years or fewer left on your sentence and if you committed a nonviolent crime, then Boot Camp may be the place for you: a ticket to a big sentence reduction. Six months and you’re out of there. The catch? Well, it can get a little bit Full Metal Jacket. Recreation yard star jumps and 1 mile runs before breakfast are the order of the day and Stacey watches agog as the femme scrotes are put through their paces.
"’She’s not physically fit, Stacey’s not mentally fit – let’s call this one a draw and allow Brown to get back to waddling after the now distant pack and her own bleak future."
With an eye for detail sharpened by years of gawping at the world’s problems Stacey notices that tubby young lady Brown is struggling to keep up with the rest of the group. She pulls her aside and tells her. "You’re struggling to keep up with the rest of the group". "Yes ma’am" Brown responds "I’m not physically fit". She’s not physically fit, Stacey’s not mentally fit – let’s call this one a draw and allow Brown to get back to waddling after the now distant pack and her own bleak future.
Boot camp is not a picnic – if it were we might expect a different name such as Outing Camp or Gingham Group. Stacey highlights what she sees as a serious human rights violation: the girls are only allowed 3 minute showers. Stacey can’t work out how this is possible even though most men master this the first time they shower and still have 2 minutes 30 seconds to spare.
"Stacey highlights what she sees as a serious human rights violation: the girls are only allowed 3 minute showers. Stacey can’t work out how this is possible even though most men master this the first time they shower and still have 2 minutes 30 seconds to spare."
After throwing up some backtalk and negative body language (!) the screws make Brown wear a Positive Attitude sash (as expected, this improves things about a billion percent). It’s not all fun and games though. Not everyone graduates from Boot Camp – some have to redo the process (recycling) and we meet one such unfortunate girl who’s been recycled twice. The girl mumbles some indecipherable cracka-ass cracker nonsense then pisses off. "She seems quite vacant doesn’t she?" says Stacey. Sound like someone we know?
"A prisoner tells her that the only way for her to really understand what goes on inside is to commit a crime and get sent there. Stacey looks like she’s seriously considering it."
So that she is not completely clueless on the issue (imagine that) Stacey also visits a medium security Manhattan women’s prison to see how they do things in gen pop. Danielle resides there after some innocents got seriously fucked up by her frankly inept drink-driving. Danielle was the victim of some very erratic parenting having been smoking dope provided by her mother since she was seven. Prison has been a fresh start for her though and she’s now doing her bachelor’s degree. "I was a waste of existence" she tells us. Do you think Stacey ever has that epiphany?
Stace is keen to hear about the lezzing off that goes on in the prison toilets and Danielle tells her that it will often amount to just "a finger-pop in the stall". "And they just finger each other in the toilet?" asks Stacey “Does that happen a lot?" Well it happens in nightclub toilets quite a lot so it’s a fair bet.
Stacey is fascinated. A little too fascinated. Maybe prison would give her life the structure it so obviously craves? A bolshie prisoner tells her that the only way for her to really understand what goes on inside is to commit a crime and get sent there. Stacey looks like she’s seriously considering it.
"At least she’s not a fucking Geldof, Sumner or some other connected bastard’s offspring but that’s the coldest of cold comfort when you’re faced with the sustained stupidity she exhibits in every scene, situation and circumstance."
I don’t worry about American kids, penal reform or the sundry travails of incarcerated scrotes. I do worry that we’re producing human beings as stupid as Stacey. At least she’s not a fucking Geldof, Sumner or some other connected bastard’s offspring but that’s the coldest of cold comfort when you’re faced with her body of work and the sustained stupidity she exhibits in every scene, situation and circumstance. Nobody has more contempt for young people than me but seriously – they deserve better.
The verdict on Girls Behind Bars: 25 to life
Marks out of 10: 4
Imagined: Monday, 22 October 2012