Election 2005 coverage

BBC, Sky, ITV

In a nutshell: Telethon with politics.

The 411: Here’s the thing with elections. There’s not much to talk about. Sure, you can fill an hour with talk and it won’t cloy too much, but all night? It quickly turns into Groundhog Hour.

But where there’s News there’s journalists and 14 hour specials. It’s not that the occasion doesn’t merit it – it’s just the drama isn’t strong enough.

The familiar ritual began on BBC with Kenneth Clarke trying to put a brave face on things. A veteran of the shameless granite-jawed defiance that necessary on these nights he batted back every ball his interrogator threw at him like WG Grace getting some practice in the nets.

"Picture Boris turning up greeting world leaders – it would confirm every English stereotype they ever had. It would be like the French President turning up on a bicycle with onions around his neck"

The weird irrelevant graphics put you in mind of The Day Today – various spurious representations of the election battleground popped up regularly around the studio. The obviously expensive graphic of the three party leaders walking towards a line by 10 Downing Street was just horrible.

David Dimblebore held court with an array of political turds – Boris Johnson hilariously trying to claim that the disastrous Conservative showing was some kind of victory as Labour were finally denied a landslide. "That’s the worst argument I’ve ever heard" said Paxman. Johnson was hard pressed to disagree.

With Michael Howard resigning, someone mentioned Johnson as a possible Tory leader. Picture Boris turning up greeting world leaders – it would confirm every English stereotype they ever had. It would be like the French President turning up on a bicycle with onions around his neck

The Dead Ringers crew were drawn in from time to time with some moderately unfunny impersonations of the party leaders. It could have been worse I suppose. It could have been Rory Bremner.

That low-life vermin piece of shit fucknut turd gobshite tossrag Galloway took Bethnal Green and Bow. It says a lot about the sub-human filth who voted Respect that they have someone like him as leader.

Opportunist clit.

You can cunt off all you like about gains for the Lib Dems, the Tories winning Putney, the fact is that Conservative Party got turded up beyond all recognition. From the depths of early-Nineties despair, Blair has taken the party to a historic third term and it’s likely there isn’t another politician alive who could have achieved this. That’s the current political landscape.

And in the media, the culture of over analysis and instant reaction reigns supreme. Point a camera at someone and an opinion comes out. It’s magic.

Perhaps last word should go to one of the Prince of Wales‘s favourite clerics The Rev Christopher Mulholland, who declared, referring to Michael Howard: "I always say I couldn’t trust a man who has not tasted pork"

He obviously hasn’t seen Howard‘s mistress.

The best thing about it: . Boris Johnson, I expect

The worst thing about it: Galloway.

The verdict on Election coverage : Thank Christ it’s only every 4 years..

Marks out of 10: 5