BBC Two
We begin Dragons’ Den with a gentleman from the city of Birmingham introducing himself with “Wotcha!” The Dragons respond with “orrroight!”, “you ain’t seen moi!” and “anything for yow cupcake!” cackling at their own hilarity. But David Brown‘s not here to joke around. The graffiti artist wants £70,000 of their money and unusually for somebody who went to Wheelers Lane he isn’t asking for it holding a shotgun. He may as well be though as the customised graffiti app he’s hyping doesn’t exist yet and he has no idea whether it’s even possible. The Dragons have heard tighter pitches and while they warm to his indecipherable dribblings they walk him out of the den and direct him towards the nearest soup kitchen.
While they warm to his indecipherable dribblings they walk him out of the den and direct him towards the nearest soup kitchen.
Next up is Carrie Bates whose Little Coffee Bag Company have already got their high-end instant coffee bags into Harvey Nichols. In heroic display of ass kissing she quotes from Peeturd Blownes autobiography Tycoon (2.85/5 at Goodreads) . They all love her shitty coffee and after Peeturd offers her £100,000 for 33.3%, Pies and Devourer quickly follow suit with identical offers. As is becoming tradition on the show Carrie goes for a joint investment spit roasted between Peeturd and Devourer with a bitterly disappointed Pies snubbed once again. A jubilant Carrie exits knowing that she has teabagged them all.
A jubilant Carrie exits knowing that she has teabagged them all.
After Christian and Carolyn Van Outersterp get told to get tae fuck after their hilariously glum selling of their Jollydays Luxury Camping outfit we move onto likeable Asian husbland and wife Vini and Bal flogging their range of fresh Rustic Indian Sauces. He looks like he’s had quite a few curries, she looks like she’s had a few nervous breakdowns but despite reservations about the short shelflife and that Bal clearly only has a few months to live Pies Linney lobs them a generous offer of £50,000 for 30% equity.
It’s more stock than the couple wanted to give up so they confer in a tongue foreign to their business overlords. Vini cries as her morbidly obese husbland struggles for breath. “It will go towards your funeral costs” she says tearfully and they go for it. “You can’t put a value on it” says Bal “Even though we just have” and they skip off hand-in-hand to have eight kormas in a row. If he makes it to view this broadcast it’s a fucking miracle.
The verdict: You can’t curry, love.
Marks out of 10: 7.5