Channel 4
We seem to be past the point where everyone sneers at the low-status of the celebrities on shows likes Celebrity Big Brother. I certainly hope so. The last thing we need is another commentator telling us how these days people are just famous for being famous and that they have no discernible talent. Like before reality TV the box wasn’t filled with talentless cunts? It was and it was called variety. Today: Jade Goody, then: Tom O’Connor. The only difference between the two is that you may get the occasional laugh out of Jade Goody.
“Like before reality TV the box wasn’t filled with talentless cunts? It was and it was called variety.”
Dressed like some sink estate dominatrix, Davina kicked off proceedings with her usual mixture of gusto and gossipy intimacy. Like Fidel Castro and pre-Randy Lerner Doug Ellis she seems an unmoveable object. Despite several assassination attempts and departure rumours she hangs on to power doggedly. Big Brother needs a strong anchor more than most reality TV shows. X Factor can get away with the inhumanly bland Kate Thornton (though it really shouldn’t) but a forceful personality is required for BB. I’m undecided about Davina – she does OK; I’m slightly past caring at the moment. Anyhoo, here are this year’s bums:
“Leo dated Raquel Welch at his height. Too bad that height was 5 ft 3.”
Donny Tourette – ludicrous punk-rock bore. Was shagging Peaches Geldof until recently – she’s praying he doesn’t spill the beans so he probably will. There was a hilarious moment when the totally authentic prole was recognised as a nice Buckinghamshire boy by…
Leo Sayer – scarcely believable blue-eyed soul dwarf, currently enjoying a career renaissance based on the desperately flawed Eighties revivalism that prevails on campus. Leo dated Raquel Welch at his height. Too bad that height was 5 ft 3.
“Carole Malone’s column consists of variations on ‘I think it’s about time we laid off Posh Spice’ and ‘Men! They think they’re so great! But they aren’t!'”
Carole Malone – Britain’s sassiest columnist! Known for her outrageous (i.e. totally predictable) views on absolutely everything. Her column consists of variations on “I think it’s about time we laid off Posh Spice” and “Men! They think they’re so great! But they aren’t!”. And who could forget the strikingly original “Reality TV! It’s full of nobodies”. Booed on the way in like fookin’ Leah in BB7.
Cleo Rocos – an “actress” best remembered for having breasts in the Kenny Everett Video Show. You may also remember her from such films as Bloodbath at the House of Death (1984) and The Baby Juice Express (2004).
“The bint du jour, Danielle was stripped of her Miss United Kingdom title for fucking Teddy Sheringham who happened to be one of the judges”
Danielle Lloyd – the bint du jour, Danielle was stripped of her Miss United Kingdom title for fucking Teddy Sheringham who happened to be one of the judges. She insists the coitus took place after her crowning. Yeah, right.
Dirk Benedict – Face from the A-Team and Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica, Dirk looks like he’s had a bit of work done on his visog and puffs a cigar in tribute to George Peppard on the A-Team. Will split the Eighties revivalist vote with Leo Sayer.
Ian Watkins – “H” from Steps to his fans. “H” has just come out as gay in The Sun. I was about as surprised to hear that Billy Connolly was Scottish.
“Jermaine speaks like he’s just inhaled a mixture of crack smoke and helium. Has no clue who anyone is, including himself.”
Jermaine Jackson – the greasiest nigga on the planet according to Chris Rock. Jermaine has the signature Jackson loony tunes space cadet demeanour, speaking like he’s just inhaled a mixture of crack smoke and helium. Has no clue who anyone is, including himself.
Joe O’Meara – The down-to-earth Romford girl was an early favourite but has been quite catty in the early exchanges. Despite being the lead singer of S Club 7, her career has floundered since the split and she now spends her time breeding dogs. Can’t see Rachel Stevens doing that can you?
“Jo now spends her time breeding dogs. Can’t see Rachel Stevens doing that can you?”
Ken Russell – the insanely old film director badly needs to be surrounded by people his own age. Unfortunately George Burns and Methuselah weren’t available so he’s here in lovable eccentric mode enduring pretty girls making bitchy remarks about his underpants. Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad now I think of it.
“Ken Russell badly needs to be surrounded by people his own age. Unfortunately George Burns and Methuselah weren’t available so he’s here.”
Shilpa Shetty – beautiful Bollywood star, huge in Calcutta. As vapid and pointless as that suggests.
It seems all right so far. I’m a little jaded by all of this. I once thought reality TV would go on forever but I can see it running out of gas now. Over 7 million viewers for the first night suggests the public’s appetite for the format remains undiminished but each series is starting to feel totally interchangeable with all the others. One thing’s for certain – TV will be flogging this particular horse post-mortem until only the bones remain.
The best thing about it: Leo Sayer recognising Donny Tourette as one of his brethren.
The worse thing about it: It’s too long this year
The verdict on Celebrity Big Brother 2007 : Ken2WIN.
Marks out of 10: 7