Channel 4
For the living love of God would you ‘bags please stop e-mailing Aerial Telly to ask how much he won on the final night of Big Brother? How can you ask such a thing? Don’t you know he’d rather tap dance barefoot on broken glass then reveal his spectacular gambling successes? What would make you can it? What would force the closure of your oral flycatcher? Would perhaps a screen shot of Aerial Telly’s position at the final suspension of the market suffice? Might your seeing photographic proof of his stunning £2,800 victory that he resolutely refuses to talk about allow the boy to get on with his review?
 |
Rachel Rice was the correct, logical, righteous and inevitable winner of Big Brother 9. Yes, she was dull, yes she sat on the fence and yes the chances of getting a well-executed blowjob from her are about the same as you making your girlfriend come but let’s get a few things straight about Rachel Rice. She’s an authentically nice humanoid, she’s a self-directed individual who knows who she is; she prevails over bullying; girls can safely leave their boyfriends alone with her; she’s tenacious and good-hearted.
"None of which mattered to Davina McCall who was a snide graceless fuck in the winner’s interview, constantly harping on Rachel’s supposed faults."
None of which mattered to Davina McCall who was a snide graceless fuck in the winner’s interview, constantly harping on Rachel’s supposed faults. Big Brother is about summary justice and the people’s choice, Davina, not about who gets the most column inches in OK! for you to make your unfunny scripted one-liners about.
"She’s training to be a fucking school teacher you millionaire smackhead fraud. 100 grand is a lot of money to her"
McCall even have the gall on Big Mouthto pressure Rachel into giving some of her well-earned prize money to charity. She’s training to be a fucking school teacher you millionaire smackhead fraud. 100 grand is a lot of money to her and, unlike you, she earned it. She doesn’t have the option of contracts with L’Oreal or endless undeserved TV work. We have tolerated this gurning fool for long enough
Nonetheless, Big Brother 9 was the best Big Brother in quite a while. Sharon Powers, last seen on the excellent Big Brother 6, blended a great mix of characters – not too many maniacs, not too many dullards. The likes of Sylvia, Rex, Mario, Lisa, Darnell, Luke, Rebecca and Mikey provided terrific TV and formed weird, perpetually changing and surprising alliances. No sign of deranged psychopath Alex or the Herr Lipp face double spitting queen Dennis – not much of a loss there.
" The beautiful Sara finished ahead of her tormentors, Rex came out to boos and further allegations of infidelity and Aerial Telly proved once again that all you’ll get when you play with him is a cauliflower arse and a face full of cum."
In the end good triumphed over evil. The beautiful Sara finished ahead of her tormentors, Rex came out to boos and further allegations of infidelity and Aerial Telly proved once again that all you’ll get when you play with him is a cauliflower arse and a face full of cum. See you next year, douchebags.
The best thing about it: The coronation of Rachel – fat bottomed goddess of Big Brother 9
The worst thing about it: Davina McCall – bitter carb-dodging twunt of Big Brother 9
The verdict on Big Brother 2008 final: A return to form from the old stager.
Marks out of 10: 8
Imagined: 6th September 2008