X Factor 2008 – sob stories bring misery to millions
The return of X Factor should always be welcomed. It’s a great format that produces laughter, tears and distress to the innocent. I really don’t know what they’re doing incorporating the pretty but pretty useless presence of Cheryl Cole. Dannii Minogue already fills that role and while Cole is prettier and even dumber it’s given the panel an imbalanced feel. They’d love a girl band to win this year, that much is clear and maybe co-opting the best-looking member of Girls Aloud is some kind of totem towards that end? Whatever. The real story of the early rounds of X Factor 2008 is the increasingly dreary and dubious sob stories that are clogging up the audition stages.
Stunning audition from Ant and Seb
“Cocksmoking producers coaxed her into talking about the Bridgend suicides and she could give nary a fuck about the emo holocaust on her doorstep”
The first episode had a 17-year-old girl from Bridgend framing her fame lust as some kind of mercy mission. “Because of all the bad press that Bridgend has had recently I just think that getting through would be a good bit of news that we need”. Eh? Oh, I get it – Bridgend the graveyard for 22 whingeing adolescents. Well, that’s just what the parents need: a rendition of My Light Shines On every Saturday evening. Truly, the living would envy the dead.
“A call centre worker claimed to be gripped by a burning desire to make his biological parents proud. Turns out this was a load of old balls as well.”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the girl revealed that cocksmoking producers coaxed her into talking about the Bridgend suicides and she could give nary a fuck about the emo holocaust on her doorstep (can you blame her?) It was a laughably tenuous link in the first place and it was quickly followed by 23-year-old call centre worker claiming to be gripped by a burning desire to make his biological parents proud. Turns out this was a load of old balls as well.
Even more bizarrely, there was the 26-year-old mother of five who was addicted to crack at 13, fitting in heroin addiction among the way. As unbelievable as the story was, it was the only authentic one of the three. And the dumb fuck could sing too.
“As unbelievable as the crackhead’s story was, it was the only authentic one of the three. And the dumb fuck could sing too.”
Some touchy-feely biography is inevitable on a show like X Factor but the focus on the increasingly surreal tragedies and hardships is becoming tough to bear. At this rate, Job from the Old Testament would be a shoo-in for the final with a rendition of one of those Oh Lordy spirituals Moby sampled. Chrissie Hynde was on some “it is time for you to stop all of this sobbing” shit and the girl was spot the hell on.
The best thing about it: The Ant and Deaf moment.
The worst thing about it: “It’s fer me mam… and me dad… and me dead bear-bee.”
The verdict on X Factor 2008: You’re through to the next round.
Marks out of 10: 7.5