Wild Burma: Nature's Lost Kingdom review

Wild Burma: Nature’s Lost Kingdom review

Published by jamdog on 29th November, 2013.

Wild Burma: Nature's Lost Kingdom reviewBBC Two

Burma has been closed to the world for 5 decades and when you see the fucking state it’s in it’s hardly surprising. The first stirrings of democratic reform have made Wild Burma: Nature’s Lost Kingdom possible. Nature filmmakers Gordon Buchanan and Justine Evans and biologist Ross Piper turd their way through the Burmese wildlands to find precious wildlife so they can persuade the Burmese government to grant the forests protected status. First on their get list: the Asian elephant. In as much peril as a Chris Brown groupie who just told him his mix tape sucks, the Asian elephant could seriously do with a population boost so maybe the spunky Burmese mavericks could save the day? That’s what we’re here to find out.

The Asian elephant is in as much peril as a Chris Brown groupie who just told him his mix tape sucks

The problem is that Burma’s jungles are as impenetrable as the BBC’s thinking in hiring Stacey Dooley but Gordon, Justine and Ross are undeterred. Ross becomes ecstatic at the sight of fresh elephant dung and sets a series of camera traps to capture the action. He waits all night on a big platform like a cunt and nothing happens. Ross alone knows the loneliness of the trainspotter up there on his camera platform and also the pain of 3 trillion mosquito bites on his bald scrotum. His patience eventually pays off though when he gets stellar footage of an elephant’s arse as it trudges through the bamboo. The elephant quite rightly fucks the camera up with its trunk the moment he sees it though. Ross should have seen that one coming.

Burma’s jungles are as impenetrable as the BBC’s thinking in hiring Stacey Dooley

Justine also makes progress. “See this plant here” she froths “The way it’s been knocked over? This is classic elephant” #classic #banter #legend #lad. It’s hardly surprising the elephants run away from them. Over generations they’ve been royally fucked by poachers, farmers protecting their land and then there’s the tourist trade. Tourists love their hateful elephant rides so natives capture the beasts, systematically break their spirits by smacking the shit out of them with sticks and make them their docile bitches. Essentially, if you’ve ever ridden on an elephant you’re no better than a sex tourist.

Essentially, if you’ve ever ridden on an elephant you’re no better than a sex tourist.

Protected status would be a good thing, then. They can’t just find any old gathering of elephant herberts though. To impress the Burmese government they need to be boning and they need to be breeding. So when Gordon and Justine find a herd with some new calves it’s high fives, bear hugs and soul brother handshakes all round.

So when Gordon and Justine find a herd with some new calves it’s high fives, bear hugs and soul brother handshakes all round.

Fuck me this is dull though. It’s one of your lower-budget nature docs. Heavy on the talking heads, light on the space age cameras and globe hopping. I’m all for the Burmese elephant I just don’t need to see his huge wrinkled hairy arse or these natural history dullards getting a semi for it. I think I liked Burma better under the military.

The verdict: I’d rather take my chances out in Burma Shave.

Marks out of 10: 6

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Wild Burma: Nature's Lost Kingdom review
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