Previously on The Widower: drugging and burning his wives alive was starting to catch up with romantic misfit Malcolm Webster. Bravely battling his non-existent leukaemia Malcolm has moved into the affections and vagina of Kalinda – they’re even trying for a baby. He’s had his ups and downs but you hope things work out for him and the new broad – he’s trying really hard. He even becomes treasurer of the local Angling Club and what thanks does he get? They come to his home demanding £4000 that has supposedly gone missing. Kalinda can’t believe the neck of these people. Malcolm’s a sick man (he really is) and these bougie anglers want to bring the drama to his doorstep? Malcolm has a completely reasonable explanation for the missing money which for the moment he is keeping to himself.
Malcolm has a completely reasonable explanation which for the moment he is keeping to himself.
Detective Jack Cloth scents blood. Cops plan to write Kalinda an Osman letter telling her there’s a pretty decent chance he’s planning to kill her. When they can’t get permission they get a search warrant and they find our boy burning a work laptop. It’s not a look that screams innocence but he walks on the three charges they stick on him. It’s a big win for Malcolm but the victory is scotched when Grampian police reopen the investigation into Claire’s death having found a sliver of her liver to test. Malcolm begins sweating and farting. He’ll need his Worzel Gummidge explaining head on for this one.
Maybe a break would help clear his head? He encourages his new fiancée to go with him on a transatlantic yachting trip. She’s not sure if it’s the right time. “Take the plunge!” he encourages her “Literally! When I murder you for the life insurance by pushing you overboard!” he subtexts with a chuckle. Watch your back Kalinda!
“Take the plunge!” he encourages her “Literally! When I murder you for the life insurance by pushing you overboard!”
Much like Al Capone was undone by tax evasion Malcolm’s unravelling begins when the relatively innocent wastepaper bin fire finally gets permission for the Osman letter to be delivered. Jack Cloth brings it round personally and at first Kalinda isn’t buying it. But once it’s read out she hears that Felicity Webster is his second wife. Funny he never mentioned a second wife. Or that he’s still married to her. Or that they have a son. Probably slipped his mind. Now she’s starting to get it.
She confronts him. “It’s not what you think, munchkin!” he tells her. “Sometimes it’s better to put things in a box” he says “Like my first wife Claire. I put her in a box alright, by which I mean coffin, by doing the killing to her. Made myself a tidy sum. Oh yes”. He takes the opportunity to go for a night-time drive and when he next contacts Simone it’s to get some cash. He at least fesses up to not having leukaemia. “It’s a complicated situation” he says and on that at least we can agree.
A year later in south-east England – a full 15 years after Claire’s death – he finally gets arrested. Over in New Zealand as Malcolm’s son plays outside Felicity tells her father the good news. Kalinda tells her friend “he was the best boyfriend I ever had”. Just as she discovers the lifejacket he sabotaged especially for her. Epiphany!
Postscript: Webster is found guilty of Claire’s murder and the attempted murder of Felicity. He gets 3 million consecutive life sentences. Kalinda still faps over him. He’s still the best borefriend she ever had.
Oh women, you really are fucked aren’t you?
The verdict: Of course you can, Malcolm.
Marks out of 10: 7.5