When we left The Widower misunderstood lothario Malcolm Webster was on stage II of his diabolical plan to barbecue his wives and steal their money. It worked once with Sheridan Smith why couldn’t it work again in another hemisphere? His plan to off second wife Felicity comes a cropper though when her father smells the burning armchair Malcolm secretly lit and literally throws cold water on the caper. Felicity blames herself for being in a permanent stupor and Pops is inclined to agree. Before she torches the entire street he wants some more tests done – the tests that Malcolm is so keen for her not to have. I dunno – there’s something shifty about that boy. Maybe it’s the increasingly unconvincing fairytales about his personal finances or the faint whiff of gasoline off him?
Before she torches the entire street he wants some more tests done – the tests that Malcolm is so keen for her not to have.
The storm clouds over Felicity get darker as Malcolm takes her for a drive in the woods. Her parents take the opportunity to break open his briefcase and the evidence within is pretty damning. He’s cleaned out her accounts and there’s a letter about him returning to England with his infant son, Felicity very much not part of the deal. There are also nine (9!) life insurance policies in her name, netting him $200,000 give or take in the event of her untimely demise.
“He’s going to kill her” Pops surmises. Yeah, good chance I’d say. He desperately phones his daughter who despite having ingested enough tranqs to fell a rhino somehow manages to answer and take his advice that she needs to hurry the fuck back at the earliest opportunity. Good save dad!
It leads to a bit of an awkward conversation between Felicity and Malcolm. “I can explain everything!” he assures her. The can of patrol and three lighters he was packing is all the explanation for she needs. “I wasn’t supposed to come out of that forest alive was I?” she asks. “You’d have died happy wouldn’t you?” he zings back. “Hmm. Not really….” her expression says before he GTFO of her life for good. Close call, Felicity! I’m glad we won’t be seeing him again.
Five years later. Oban, Scotland. Who’s this handsome assured lecturer in Health and Safety procedures? The law of vocational irony dictates that it’s Malcolm Webster – E. coli in human form. He’s at it again and this time it’s Simone Banerjee (Archie Panjabi) on the chopping block. She’s cute, she’s got a yacht and she’s hot to trot. She’s the perfect mark.
There is the small matter of her negligent borefriend Rob to navigate but that’s nothing that a spot of faked lymphatic leukaemia can’t hurdle. Shaving his head, eyebrows and pubes, even giving himself the chemo puncture wounds, Malcolm goes the full oncology ward fancy dress demonstrating the keen eye for detail you would expect from a medical professional. His cancer game is strong, yo and once he sets a fire in an old scrote’s hospital room to put it out himself and pose as a have-a-go hero it’s over. Kalinda’s in the bag. Who can save her now?
Shaving his head, eyebrows and pubes Malcolm has the keen eye for detail you would expect from a medical professional.
Felicity’s ballsy sister Jane Drumm is going to give it a go. She’s over from New Zealand helping the local police out in Leeds with domestic violence education. She then pays a visit to Jack Cloth (John Hannah) up in Oban to do a bit of domestic murder education. She informs Cloth of the the relevant Webster pox on their patch. “This man preys on women” she tells him. Cloth listens. He is intrigued. “To put out a fire you need a damp Cloth” he says. He moistens up. This is starting to get interesting.
The verdict: I’m serious as cancer when I say “that guy hasn’t got cancer”.
Marks out of 10: 7.5