The Returned review, Channel 4

What Remains episode 3 review | Shoot that poison arrow

Published by jamdog on 8th September, 2013.

 What Remains episode 3 review

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Previously on What Remains: Melissa leaked all over everyone’s lives from the loft and things were never the same again. Back in the days of her mortal life Melissa prepares a candlelit dinner for two but just like with Len‘s scotch and Desmond Dekker fiasco from last week her guest hasn’t turned up. “All the more for me!” says Melissa cheerily before wolfing down two deep-fried geese leaving the dining table looking like the sight of some waterfowl war crime. Fat people are so jolly aren’t they? But wait, here comes her mystery date 6 hours too late – it’s Kieron! Drunk as a skunk and down to fuck. It appears they were having a thing. Melissa got a snog off the Irish guy Richard and was getting banged by Kieron. For a morbidly obese modern day Eleanor Rigby she doesn’t seem to be doing too badly.

Melissa got a snog off the Irish guy Richard and was getting banged by Kieron. For a morbidly obese modern day Eleanor Rigby she doesn’t seem to be doing too badly.

If only we could say the same for Len, currently sleeping in Melissa’s flat, doing archery in his spare time and flirting with a divorcee about mutilating her ex-husband’s testicles. Then he goes and drizzles another monologue to his hopeless brother who has died a thousand deaths listening to his old shite. Finally he dies – free at last, free at last with a look in his eyes that says “see you in anecdote hell, you monumental teed”.

Len goes and drizzles another monologue to his hopeless brother who has died a thousand deaths listening to his old shite.

Creepy Michael meanwhile visits Liz again and she cooks for him.  They’re connecting all over the place and Liz makes a pass but, remembering he has a hot wife, Michael demurs. Later he relents and fucks her because as the saying goes just because you’ve got a steak at home doesn’t mean you can’t have sexual relations with a neighbour while your wife is expecting your child. Liz has to help Vidya out later when she has a pregnancy scare and when Michael arrives too late he is more than a little surprised to see his mistress attending to his missus – it’s all kinds of awkward.

Having successfully killed his brother, Len meets with Yvette Parks and discovers that she too is a differently sized lady. She met Melissa at a weight-loss group and they kept in touch in a really half-assed fashion afterwards. She mentions that Melissa spoke of a borefriend and that information combined with the discovery of a Sorry card (sorry in every sense) lead him to the truth about Kieron’s dalliance with her. It gives Len a great chance to grill him and look on disapproving at someone else’s personal life choices. If only that were a career he’d never have to retire.

It gives Len a great chance to grill him and look on disapproving at someone else’s personal life choices. If only that were a career he’d never have to retire.

That said, he is talking to a twat and one with a twat son to boot. Adam gets mildly rapey with his dad’s girlfriend Patricia and when Kieron later gets drunkenly rapey with Patricia she quite understandably hits the bricks and dumps the pair of them. Len then arrests Adam for spraying ‘skank’ in Melissa’s flat before he realises that he is no longer a copper. He disappears upstairs to get some kip in Melissa’s bed which he sleeps in because he likes the smell of dead tub. As he drifts off to sleep mad Lizzie spies on him from the loft through a hole in the floor. What can it all mean?

Smeggy and Hellaine are still boring but you probably figured that one out.

The verdict: Ahhhhhhhhh, look at all the blownely pee-poo.

Marks out of 10: 7.5

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What Remains episode 3
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