If you had to use one word to sum up The Voice it would be tepid. No one contestant is really that bad, no one really that good. The judges don’t really agree, they don’t really disagree. It’s affability, mediocrity. All edges cut off with a lathe, it is easily swallowed and digested and leaves no trace of what occurred. In Revelation 3:15-16 failed Hebrew Messiah Jesus Christ said “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.” He was bloody spot-on wasn’t he?
After a couple of dullards who evaporate from everyone’s memory the moment they leave the stage 25-year-old Chris Royal comes on and does a tolerable version of Avicii’s – Wake Me Up. The judges – they rikee and in that great The Voice tradition everyone but Will throws their hat into the ring. Kylie tells Chris that if she picks him they’ll “spend some time together” and that he’d be “ready to go to the next level”. By which she means her cervix.
Kylie tells Chris that if she picks him they’ll “spend some time together” and that he’d be “ready to go to the next level”. By which she means her cervix.
Tom Jones then tells him “I can move you in directions you haven’t even tried yet” by which he means violent anal sex with Tom Jones. Ricky Wilson chips in with “you tell me how far you wanna go and we’ll do it together” by which he means watersports with failed auditionees for the original line-up of Atomic Kitten.
It’s a tough choice but in the end he goes for Ricky and the watersports. “It’s gonna be great!” says the triumphant Kaiser Chief “We’re gonna have a good time, yeah?” which is more than can be said for the Atomic Kitten girls but that’s show business. Chris muses aloud “Maybe Ricky can pull something out of me that I don’t even know though that’s there?” by which he means Tom Jones’ ancient gnarled penis.
“Maybe Ricky can pull something out of me that I don’t even know though that’s there?” by which he means Tom Jones’ ancient gnarled penis.
If you’re the kind of person who moans about bloody BBC repeats then prepare for your blood pressure to rise. Two acts roll up who have been down this path before. After the pretty decent Elesha PaulMoses gets waved through onto Tom Jones team we see Nick Dixon, 17, repeat his no-dice performance from the previous year and he bombs once again.
He then asks if it’s OK if he hands out some business cards that he’s had made to them. “Yes!” cries Pielie “Even though I regularly turn down collaborations with Grammy award winners and party with triple platinum producers, exactly what I need for my next project is a two-time loser on The Voice, a show whose eventual winner is guaranteed oblivion. Come, give me your important details – I simply cannot let this opportunity pass”. Bit heavy on the sarcasm there but her point is well taken.
There’s an intriguing trans friendly competitor James Byron, 24, who confuses everyone with his feminine wiles and Marc Almond blaring and it’s only at the very last second that Will turns around to get him all to himself. Will hopes to play Forest Whitaker to James’s Jaye Davidson in The Crying Game and nobody is counting that possibility out.
Finally there’s Jade MayJean Peters, a waitress in Ipswich. She looks like Holly Willoughby cosplaying as Jessica Rabbit and her bluesy rasp through Gabriella Cilmi’s – Sweet About Me gets her a full house. Upon seeing the fox the boys get boners and start sputtering like retards.There’s a figurative and quite possibly literal trail of drool on the floor as they pitch at her. It’s not a good look for any of them and she understandably goes with Kylie figuring that the inevitable sexual advances will at least be easier to fight off.
The show is slightly less appalling than last week’s.
The verdict: Jessica Rabbit game is LEGIT
Marks out of 10: 5