The Voice is often accused of being repetitive and as if to confirm that feeling episode four begins with a previous contestant. Jessica Steele, 22 years old, rolled up 18 months ago and couldn’t get a turn around from any of the judges. But Jessica is not the kind of girl to take no turn around for an answer and she’s back singing Plan B’s She Said. This time it’s very different – she gets a full house and bawls like a bairn when she’s done. The audience brutally racially profile her and insist she go with Will. She concurs before they all change their minds and ruin her dreams again.
The audience brutally racially profile her and insist she go with Will. She concurs before they all change their minds.
It’s not all young and gifted entrants though. Meet Bunny, a 56-year-old Malaysian whose friends call him the singing accountant. Not because he’s an accountant but because he’s a cunt. He’s worried about “disgracing” himself – like that ever stopped anyone on this show. As he stumbles through his take on Rocket Man he somewhat predictably sounds like a Malaysian Elton John impersonator. The other judges all expect Ricky to turn but he doesn’t and this bugs Bunny. He’s as good as skinned. They tell him not to give up his dream which is dumb because it’s obviously fucked. They know this better than anyone – they are so full of shit.
The other judges all expect Ricky to turn but he doesn’t and this bugs Bunny.
Next is Sarah Eden-Winn – is a smiley lass from Weston-Pooper-Mare. She Celine Dions her way through One Night Only. She’s obviously a very good singer but it still takes them until the final bar for everybody but Kylie to turn around. Now for the hard sell.
“The audience never lies but neither does your gut” says Will. Jesus Christ, no need to bring her weight into it you fat shaming bastard. “Don’t ignore your gut” he continues. Has somebody got #fatmicroaggressions onto this? This is practically a televised hate crime. Like a lot of girls with chronically low self-esteem, though, she finds herself drawn to the abuser and goes with Will. It’s all gone a bit grim.
“The audience never lies but neither does your gut” says Will. Jesus Christ, no need to bring her weight into it.
But nothing lightens the mood like two sets of twins. Tila and Tavelah – are two bags-of-personality genetically identical teens who ran through a teedy version of a teedy Black Eyed Peas song. Will ain’t trying to hear that but they get the consolation prize of Ricky Wilson. They’re OK I suppose.
Then come 26-year-old twins Lauren and Kimberly – Leona Lewis looking bipolar bi-holers. Together they are Gemyni *eyeroll*. If you were going to do this properly wouldn’t you get the Urine Twins performing? I don’t know if they can sing but equally I don’t know they can’t. Gemyni pull off a by-numbers performance of Mariah Carey’s Fantasy and get a YES from everybody but Will proving once again that twincest is best. They go with Kylie as they want to double team her and who could argue with that?
The show still sucks a bag of dicks of course.
The verdict: Dull dull dull.
Marks out of 10: 4