A feature of The Voice is those little inserts showing what wacky characters the judges are (they aren’t) and how the battle between the four of them to produce this year’s winner is of great consequence both to us and them (it isn’t). Enigmatic polygon Will.i.am tells the camera “I’d hate to be Hussein Bolt. He just wins everybody. Hussein Bolt and a cheetah…? Now that’s comp.” That combination of desperation, bad pronunciation and misfiring analogy sets us up nicely for the disappointment that follows.
We start with Andy Otley a good-looking yet permanently friendzoned 20-year-old from North Wales. He gives us his take on Dance with Me Tonight, exactly the kind of toe tapper that the studio audience clap along to, that Kylie does her sitting down wiggle dance to and inspires exactly nobody to turn their chair around. “You’re inoffensive, safe and boring, Andy – just like you are with women.” Kylie tells him “You know you could strike a match off my vagina right now? You did that. Now get out of my sight before I cut your fucking heart out”. He walks out to stunned silence. Harsh but fair is the consensus backstage.
Kylie tells him “You know you could strike a match off my vagina right now? You did that. Now get out of my sight before I cut your fucking heart out”.
Next up is Iesher Haughton, a seven-year-old who claims her real age is 19, from Walthamstow, East 17 blud. Her opening warble salvo makes everyone sit up – this kid’s got a set of pipes on her and no mistake. Will turns around before the first bar is out. Who’s Loving You is the track and while it’s a bit reedy and oversung in places the infant is already streets ahead of the pack. She gets a full house of pick-me judges and goes with Will, who jumped first and jumped farthest. If they can find a babysitter this kid will go far.
The same cannot be said for Paul Black, a 45 -year-old tattoo artist who looks like Silvio from the Sopranos. He bravely performs a swing version of Van Halen’s Jump which sucks balls from ’93 til infinity. If only the judges could turn around they’d see that he looks as terrible as he sounds. The unfunny Welsh banter he engages in with Tom Jones, another recurring feature of the show, reminds Tom why he GTFO of the place all those years ago.
The unfunny Welsh banter he engages in with Tom Jones reminds Tom why he GTFO of the place all those years ago.
In celebrity relative news Fanny from McFly‘s sister and the famous Adull‘s cousin also get through – neither of them were much to write home about. Far more impressive is single mum to four boys, Leverne Scott-Roberts who doesn’t gig or record, just belts them out around the house as her kids beg her to STFU. She sings Ellie Goulding’s Explosions and she’s actually good. There’s soul there, even if she dresses like your mom at a wedding. She goes with Tom Jones and expect to see this one last the distance.
The nadir is reached with Si Genaro, 42, a wacky bags of personality nause who even Colin Hunt from the Fast Show would find “a bit much”. Like a kid with ADHD he buffoons around the stage going from mouth organ to beat box to stunningly inept vocals on his performance of Men at Work’s Down Under. “You’re a grown man” says Kylie “Stop what you’re doing. It’s not funny, it’s not cute – it’s fucking pitiful. Have you ever noticed how everyone is always walking in the opposite direction to you? Even when they’re going to the same place?”
“You’re a grown man” says Kylie “Stop what you’re doing. It’s not funny, it’s not cute – it’s fucking pitiful.”
She continues “Whatever ‘it’ is, that which separates performing artists from the rest of the world I’ll tell you this much: you don’t have it. I don’t just mean your palpable lack of talent; I mean the total absence of anything that could reasonably be thought of as diverting, never mind entertaining. I’m not bullshitting now – you make me physically sick. You’re a fucking virus. Just be some place that’s else.”
The rest nod in agreement. Pielie Minogue may just have saved the entire series.
The verdict: I still judge you – je ne sais pas pourquoi.
Marks out of 10: 4