It’s hard to overstate the worthlessness of The Voice as it enters the battle rounds. You can live for a very long time and not come across anything of less importance. Will is first up and his coaches are his Black Eyed Peas co-dependent Dante & last year’s The Voice runner-up Leah McFall. His first battle is an intriguing one: Jermain versus Sarah Eden-Winn. Turdmain you will remember as the 18-year-old who sounds exactly like Rick Astley. Every time he opens his mouth you’ve been Rickrolled. Sarah you’ll remember as the feisty Weston-Super-Mare flagcracker with the big voice and the mad eyes. Is it on? Yeah, like you give a shit.
I Knew You Were Waiting is the battleground and as they charge the stage Sarah says she will give “a hundred million percent”. She does too and she’s clearly better than Rickroll but Will keeps him because of some bullshit photo they had taken together year ago. Sarah’s audi and that’s too bad because she was in with a shot.
Will makes another balls-up later stealing South African Amazonian Nomakhosi when Pielie dumps her. It’s not like the broad can’t sing – she really can. But when he says “she has what it takes to win it” he is clearly completely unaware of the curse of the black woman identified multiple times by Aerial Telly.
Over on Team Tom he pairs up country and Western teed Talia with the old binner who made him cry during the blind auditions Sally. They take on Ollie Murs’ Dear Darling. Sally is not familiar with the song so Tom enlists Tinie Tempah, a child, to tell this 54-year-old woman with decades of experience in the industry who was singing professionally when he was swimming in his daddy’s balls exactly how she should go about it. In the event it’s a brutal mismatch and Tom has a piss easy choice going with Sally because she’s a gazillion miles better.
Tinie Tempah, a child, tells a 54-year-old woman who was singing professionally when he was swimming in his daddy’s balls exactly how she should go about it
Other highlights include Bizzi’s Party going through, Celestine KO1 Mairead and both Anna McLuckie and Jess proceeding after Ricky steals the latter after she got viciously turded by the harp playing imp. In general the judges make the right choices but they all screwed up on the biggest choice of all: the choice to continue making this show.
The verdict: Battle anybody I don’t care who you tell.
Marks out of 10: 5