For Aerial Telly the most important thing on The Voice is that the sexually attractive women go through. With his top two pie picks Sophie-May Williams and Jade-MayJean Peters on the line tonight it is the closest he gets to giving a fuck about this fatuous show. We begin now with a turd joust between Jamie Lovatt‘s rock stylings and Chris Royle‘s nause falsetto. Rolling in the Deep Fat Fryer by Adele is the battleground and Toadfish from Neighbours Chris is given the nod. Although Jamie probably edged it – Chris has longer-term appeal even though Ricky Wilson drizzles on about emotion as if this fuckknuckle of a show ever provoked anything other than tedium.
Team Will probably has the best talent and he sets up a fascinating battle between iron lunged burlesque flagcracker Kiki DeViIlle and warbling trans-friendly bully magnet James Byron. Because the Night by Patti Smith is the song and that’s a great choice for Kiki who will be favoured by the big barnstorming chorus. Can James give her a run for her money? If so it’s the first time Kiki has seen a run of any kind in her life.
Will goes for a piss because he wants to imagine pissing on James’s face as he delivers the verdict.
Looking like the number 10 walking on stage they step into the breach and Kiki gets the best in an entertaining back-and-forth cover. As everyone waits for his decision Will goes for a piss because he wants to imagine pissing on James’s face as he delivers the verdict. Because the boy is soon drenched in the golden shower of Will’s approval when he announces him as the winner. Kiki doesn’t give a rat’s ass but the infinitely more fragile James would immediately hang himself if he got shitcanned so it’s probably for the best.
Will later puts together Cherri Prince and previously mentioned 17-year-old vintage world-of-would Sophie-May Williams in a battle of the jazz singers with the two running through Lovecats by the Cure. There’s not so much to choose between them but good sense prevails when Sophie-May goes through as while this show is called The Voice it’s really about the ass.
But when it comes to ass Kylie has the nuclear option: Jade MayJean Peters. The Sweet about Me omniholer from the blind auditions gave a performance you wouldn’t forget in a hurry and while twin sister act Gemyni can certainly belt them out they’re up against it with Holly Willoughby’s hotter if less fashion conscious twin sister Jade. Baby One More Time is the pop pick and while Gemyni are probably better Jade MayJean is Jade MayJean and the curse of the black woman is what it is.
The battle rounds are fundamentally stupid as it’s always about sounding noisier and showier rather than serving the song and red reveals a meeting the judges didn’t already know about their acts. You can predict the outcome of virtually every one before it commences and that intensifies the crushing sense of futility that defines this show.
The verdict: The Battle of Wastings.
Marks out of 10: 5