You know the drill by now. The characters, rituals and conventions of reality TV are drilled into us it seems from birth. The contrived bust-ups, the blonde stunnas, the premium rate phone numbers – even the rhetoric from any given show is totally interchangeable with any other. "There’s a lot of fake people in here…" or "Certain people are just playing a game…" and "I haven’t really connected with x – he hasn’t been the same since y left". It’s not surprising that some people appear on three or four different reality TV shows. Like troubled teenagers being bounced from care home to young offenders unit and back they are now totally institutionalised. Without being rated, assessed and qualified they feel utterly worthless. Which is what they are, of course. Notions of quality control long since disappeared in the headlong rush to just Make Some TV. And as for dignity – many believe that was lost when Rebecca Loos wanked off a pig on The Farm. Personally, I identify Paul Burrell rolling around on the jungle floor with kangaroo spunk drooling from his mouth having eaten the testicles of said marsupial as part of a Bush Tucker Trial on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here as the day the dream died. Historical precedent may be thin on the ground but if we were playing Squalor Top Trumps then surely Necrophile Bestial Cannibalism beats giving Porky Pig a hand shandy?
"Personally, I identify Paul Burrell rolling around on the jungle floor with kangaroo spunk drooling from his mouth having eaten the testicles of said marsupial as the day the dream died."
So where does reality TV go from here? Any good screenwriter will tell you: raise the stakes and you raise the drama. So placing nine people in an underground bunker to compete for £1 million seems as good a way as any of breathing some life into the carcass. The chumps must vote for the most deserving recipient of the cash – the catch being that the vote must be… Unanimous. See what I did there?
An introduction to the runners and riders? Thought you’d never ask.
"If Lusipher wins the £1 million he will not give any to good causes. "Charities get too much already" said the unemployed scrounging shit."
Kam, a property developer. Keen to come across as the alpha male he is largely just pissing people off. Generally makes like the fruit of unholy union between Richard from Big Brother 7 and Sayid from The Apprentice. Complete twazzer.
Andy, a Scottish athlete. Looks like a meat substitute version of Sawyer from Lost and will therefore hereafter be referred to as Soya. Exaggerating his honesty will be the key to his success he says. Yeah, I can imagine.
Lusipher – the Satanically monikered drop out is 32 years old and has just given up his job shovelling shit out of cuckoo clocks. If he wins the £1 million he will not give any to good causes. "Charities get too much already" said the unemployed scrounging shit. He is black and therefore cannot win in the great tradition of reality TV apartheid.
"Kelly looks like a very low ranking China White girl and will therefore hereafter be referred to as China Shite."
Kelly, a lap dancer. The skank ass ho Brummie BOBFOC puts me in mind of the Ice Cube lyric "see the booty and the front was all in place – but the girl had the pit-bull face". Kelly looks like a very low ranking China White girl and will therefore hereafter be referred to as China Shite.
"Sian only managed to complete one year of her law degree before getting up the duff but she has a Masters in the cock. And abandoning her child."
Sian, young mom of a 10 month old girl Elektra (after the porn star, we presume, not the daughter of Agamemnon). Left her baby to appear on a reality TV show she knows nothing about which makes her a shit mother. Pretty Sian only managed to complete one year of her law degree before getting up the duff but she has a Masters in the cock. And abandoning her child.
Anna, award-winning boss of Ceramic Experience outlets. Zzzzzzzz.
Pip is a nurse which immediately made him a favourite in the early voting. I’ve no idea why. We all know nurses get paid far too much and has everybody forgotten Beverley Allitt? Well?
"Uncomfortable with eye-contact and lacking the common touch Beverley would have to be 10 times more charming than that Arnold on Green Acres
or the pig that Rebecca Loos wanked off to win."
Alex is a mophead dork law student. Possibly gay, definitely tedious.
Beverley is an art dealer. Quite posh and suffers from a total inability to empathise or explain herself convincingly. Uncomfortable with eye-contact and lacking the common touch she’d have to be 10 times more charming than that Arnold on Green Acres or the pig that Rebecca Loos wanked off to win the cash which, incidentally, she intends to invest in a contemporary art gallery. Good luck with that, love.
"Soya has just broken the Scottish long-jump record (case closed – give him the money right the noo)."
The hopefuls drop in pieces of information about their lives in the hope of gaining the crucial votes they need from their peers. China Shite tells how she struggles to make her mortgage payments; Kam pompously pledges to give a quarter of his money to charity; Soya has just broken the Scottish long-jump record (case closed – give him the money right the noo).
The contestants were intriguingly asked to reveal a dark secret about themselves to the producers before the show began and this comes back to haunt one contestant as three of the secrets are assessed by the bunker massive, with the one regarded as most heinous placing its owner permanently out of the running for the £1 million. The secrets are read out anonymously but are discussed candidly by the collective.
"Aerial Telly wonders if it was Birmingham town centre China Shite was banned from. He once shot a man in Birmingham just to see him die and the police were all ‘we’re counting these rocks, beeyatch’"
Anna once slept with a friend’s partner (the doorty bitch). China Shite has been banned from a town centre (colour me stunned). Cam changed his name to avoid a debt (his parents christened him Captain Cuntface). Beverley gets all up in their faces about the adultery and is, like, "how can someone do that?" presumably thinking she’ll be getting rid of the dreadful little common girl from Birmingham. Aerial Telly wonders if it was Birmingham town centre China Shite was banned from. He once shot a man in Birmingham just to see him die and the police were all "we’re counting these rocks, beeyatch". How times change. Anna gamely argued that being a violent anti-social ASBO sucking piece of shit might be worse than once getting slipped some dick from someone you shouldn’t but to no avail. The Eight Angry (Wo)men delivered their highly judgmental verdict, that the shagging was the worst, clearly based on a lifetime of infidelity that "people" like that have become accustomed to. If Anna wants to be a millionaire now she’ll have to fuck a gullible Beatle like the rest of us.
"If Anna wants to be a millionaire now she’ll have to fuck a gullible Beatle like the rest of us."
When Anna is revealed as the shagger there are gasps all round. Particularly from China Shite who looks at her as if to say "you mean to say somebody actually had sex with you?". Soya looks as if his long jump record has been snatched from under his nose. Beverley pursed her lips and silently wondered what else she could be wrong about. Anna can stick around and her vote still counts so she can get revenge on those who so cruelly judged her by being a walking veto on them getting the cash. Nice touch.
The opener set the scene pretty well. The gloomy bunker makes me feel like we’re on Battlestar Galactica and as they don’t know if it’s day or night or how long they’ve been down there you can expect some disorientation and cabin fever any time soon.
Although it did lack tension, the conflict has been woven into the series premise and we can be hopeful of much antagonism and betrayal as the action unfolds. The war bunker may turn out to be a peculiarly apposite setting for the strategic treachery, deployments and flanking manoeuvres of the money grabbing chumps. Reality TV is a blood sport these days. Don’t forget it.
The best thing about it: The sensory deprivation.
The worst thing about it: The idiot Dungeons and Dragons apeing host.
The verdict on Unanimous: Living proof that democracy never works.
Marks out of 10: 7