Now that he has wiped the cum from his eyes after Tyger Takes on Porn our boy turns his glare towards our body image. Tyger Takes On the Perfect Body finds him chatting to sundry chiselled jaws, roided whores and fake tan bores as he investigates men’s growing obsession with how they look. As part of his investigation he invites members of the public to offer up factually incorrect statements like “everybody’s a celebrity now” while looking fabulously pleased with themselves. Also on hand is plastic surgeon Marc Pacifico to tell Tyger how the prevailing “culture of selfies” lowers self-esteem. I dunno, man. The Greeks said much the same about Narcissus and he turned out alright (such is my recollection).
Tyger is relentless in his pursuit of the truth. He discovers things called “men’s make-up counters” right on our doorstep. “This is literally make-up for men – which is ridiculous”. He’s right, it is ridiculous. He meets up with a Max Headroom looking replicant called Curtis. Clearly aiming for the natural healthy look of Rob Lowe in Behind the Candelabra, Curtis introduces Tyger to eyebrow sculpture, teeth whitening, all-over tan and best of all Essex banter. One back, sack and crack waxing later and Tyger is as hairless as a 1970s Radio One DJ’s companion. He’s learning all the time.
Next up is Dan, a shredded to the core Instagram whore in Coventry. Of his 3 billion followers approximately 5 are female because percentage body fat is of as little consequence to women as what Neal Stephenson you’ve read. This, fact fans, is why every bodybuilder you ever met had a busted girlfriend.
He then talks to some body dysmorphia schmorphia fuck about how badly he needs his head shut in a door. I preferred it when we were talking about his mom sucking cock for a living. Men’s Health has a lot to answer for.
The verdict: I really love your Tyger features.
Marks out of 10: 6