As The Trip to Italy continues up to the prosperous and spectacularly corrupt north Steve Coogan FaceTimes his son who is frankly embarrassed by him. So would you be if your dad had made Courtney Love your stepmom and Frances Bean Courtney your stepsister meaning you couldn’t legitimately fuck her. The youngster is on holiday with his mother and her 32-year-old yoga instructor and Steve’s paying. In so many ways. Rob meanwhile is missing his daughter who struggles to sleep as her father gallivants around the continent with Tony Ferrino. They put that behind them as they are helped on to a dinghy by two dames who take them on the good ship Patience. As they travel Rob reads Byron in the voice of I dunno Anthony Hopkins or some fucker. It sets the tone for the excursion into the Italy of the poets.
Rob draws Steve’s attention to Lucy, the younger of the boat’s two broad crew. Steve dismisses her as “a posh girl on a boat” but she’s so much more than that. She’s a sexually attractive posh girl on a boat. The possibilities are many and they include both of them double teaming Lucy in the 15 minute trip but this is not one they choose to explore. Instead they stop off at La Cantina, a high-end beach-side whelk and pasta joint.
Rob continued attempts to persuade known addict Steve Coogan to drink come to fruition as Steve tumbles off the wagon. They guzzle wine from huge jugs as they clock the every holers on the beach. Soon enough talk turns to Viagra – Lucy’s effect on these two half-dead dipso fucks as palpable as the stink in the air every time Andy Parsons appears on a panel show. There’s squid in the starter and some fritto misto thing later. The bill comes to €170 although €165 of that is the wine.
A journey to Shelley’s gaffe disappoints, much like Italy did for Shelley with his kids dying, his wife going loopy and him drowning like a cunt in the Gulf of Spezia. In many ways Rob not getting any ass from Lucy is worse.
The verdict: This is pasta joke!! ¹
Marks out of 10: 7
¹ Fuck you. It’s been a long day.