Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a particularly cruel illness because it affects the sexually attractive and therefore worthwhile people. Too Ugly For Love followed three "sufferers" of BDD around, hounding them into therapy they didn't really want and generally acting like an unsolicited pep squad for every fuck up in their lives. Musician Jolyan Cunningham believes he is ugly. He is convinced he has dark circles under his eyes and he hides them by always wearing reflective sunglasses. Here's the thing about Jolyan - with the best will in the world, he is a bit rank. Without particularly wanting to piss in his face, he does look like Thom Yorke's less attractive brother. With laudable self-insight he tells documentary-maker Emeka Onono "you've got the wrong bloke". And he has. I mean, I've seen uglier blokes and I've seen uglier blokes get good-looking women but let's be real about this. If you look like Jolyan and think you're ugly that's not mental illness, that's a perfectly respectable opinion. You just need to shut the fuck up and get on with life. Lemmy from Motörhead looks worse than you and he gets groupies every night. Motherfucker, what?

"Here's the thing about Jolyan - with the best will in the world, he is a bit rank. Without particularly wanting to piss in his face, he does look like Thom Yorke's less attractive brother."

Also on the turd wagon was Kayla, a lass in her twenties who refused to have her face fully shown due to its hideousness. She has put her and her father £65,000 in debt with pointless plastic surgery. When asked why he pays out her father says that Kayla informed him how many BDD sufferers commit suicide. What a repulsive controlling twunt she is. Anyone who makes the threat of suicide, implied or explicit, deserves one response - do it then you cowardly fraud.

"Kayla is a whingeing self obsessed fucknut who demands everybody's attention 100% of the time."

30 seconds in Kayla's company is unbearable. She is a whingeing self obsessed fucknut who demands everybody's attention 100% of the time. Unable to even conceive that other people have problems which don't revolve around how she feels about herself she is an emotional parasite and control freak of no worth whatsoever. She twunts around a lot, has some surgery, avoids therapy - I don't even remember what happened with her, she was just really annoying me.

"Unable to even conceive that other people have problems which don't revolve around how she feels about herself Kayla is an emotional parasite and control freak of no worth whatsoever."

The final member of the triple threat was Ruth, a lovely blonde piece of pie, who believed she had a man's eyes and needed to wear tonnes of make-up to make her acceptable to the world. At least Ruth made the illness and the documentary make some sense. Here was a pretty girl with a boyfriend, obviously convinced she was a biffa. After some false starts she responds well to the therapy and starts removing layers of foundation like it's 1999. Again, she's a bit of a controlling attention-seeking idiot but what are you going to do?

"An idiot Observer journalist once unilaterally diagnosed Shirley Manson from Garbage with the condition."

I've not been for a big fan of Body Dysmorphia Schmorphia ever since an idiot Observer journalist unilaterally diagnosed Shirley Manson from Garbage with the condition, running a piece with the haddock faced freak with the headline THIS WOMAN THINKS SHE'S UGLY (Aerial Telly: trigga, what?). But yeah, it seems to exist and the remorselessly annoying appear to be particularly at risk. I can think of a few better ways to spend an hour than listening to these cunts drizzle on though.

The best thing about it: Ruth's rather delicious pie

The worst thing about it: Kayla - loudmouth manipulative pikey sow.

The verdict on Too Ugly For Love: Please, get a job, pay some tax.

Marks out of 10: 6

Like the review? Buy the e-books.

Contact Aerial Telly