Television will always need that guy – the guy who just knows. He cuts through doubt like a knife through soft cheese. He’s practically always right. Even when he’s wrong he’s kind of right. He’s not afraid to go against the grain – in fact, he relishes it. He’ll confound conventional wisdom, all the available evidence and the expert consensus. He’ll play a hunch like it’s a fucking harpsichord and never hit a bum note. But enough about Aerial Telly1. I’m here to talk about another kind of guy that television will always need: Sherlock Holmes.
"Guy ‘know a good divorce lawyer?’ Ritchie is penning a gorblimey Sherlock Holmes adaptation inbetween fielding abusive phonecalls and Kabbalah curses from his mentalloid cock-armed wife as we converse."
I don’t mean the actual Sherlock Holmes (although as we converse2 Guy "know a good divorce lawyer?" Ritchie is reportedly penning a gorblimey adaptation inbetween fielding abusive phonecalls and Kabbalah curses from his mentalloid cock-armed wife) He comes in many forms. It could be Cracker, it could be Gregory House, it could be Charlie Crews from Life. The main point is that he sees things "we" don’t see3, he doesn’t play by the rules and he never gets it wrong. It is a little surprising that the premise of The Mentalist hasn’t been used before. Patrick Jane (Simon Baker) is an independent consultant for the California Bureau of Investigation who brings his phenomenal cold reading skills (learnt as a phoney psychic in his previous career) to bear on criminal cases. Usually MOIDER.
"It could be Cracker, it could be House, it could be Charlie Crews from Life. The main point is that he sees things we don’t see"
Jane just knows. He’s that guy. His gut instinct is never wrong though he’ll generally break the case by focusing on overlooked piece of evidence, something too trivial to even appear on the radar of your average John Q. Law. "By a man’s finger-nails, by his coat-sleeve, by his boot, by his trouser knees, by the callosities of his forefinger and thumb, by his expression, by his shirt cuffs-by each of these things a man’s calling is plainly revealed" as his role model Sherlock Holmes once said.
"yew gaYelord. yew shud of nevar said them thinGs and yewis will find yoRe wife and child butchered in the bedroom. yw homo.
But Jane is not just a cookie cutter genius of deduction. He has something of a past and it’s not pretty. After denouncing the serial killer Red John as part of his TV psychic work, Jane comes home to a Dear Jane note along the lines of:
yew gaYelord. yew shud of nevar said them thinGs and yewis will find yoRe wife and child butchered in the bedroom. yw homo.
pS whatis yew wareing? writeing thiS IS has got me vaRe horney and i is wont to putt my cockin yore mouthe.
"It’s fundamentally daft but it’s smart enough to know it and the execution of the murder of the week is cutely handled."
Sounding much like one of Aerial Telly’s mailbag victims. So Jane’s all conflicted, guilty and after some kind of redemption is my guess. Good for him. Think he’s keen to catch the guy who murdered his wife and child? You betcha.
I like The Mentalist. It’s fundamentally daft but it’s smart enough to know it and the execution of the murder of the week is cutely handled. Jane’s foil is Teresa Lisbon (Veronidurrrr from Prison Break), a no-nonsense cop who tells him he’s wrong when we all know he’s going to turn out to be right. I don’t think they are going to fuck. She looks a bit frickin’ weird to be frank.
The best thing about it: Jane being spectacularly rude and inappropriate in front of colleagues
The worst thing about it: Jane somehow not fully convincing you as a grieving father/husband.
The verdict on The Mentalist: Smart, watchable nonsense.
Marks out of 10: 7.5
1 Fuck you. There is no such thing as "enough" Aerial Telly
2 Fuck you. We don’t "converse". Aerial Telly speaks, you listen
3 Fuck you. Aerial Telly sees all time in an instant and saw you for the disgusting shill you are the moment you slithered from your unfortunate mother’s twot.