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If you learn one thing from Scandinavian noir learn this: pardner up with Sarah Lund and you’re a dead man. Jan Meyer bought it while chasing after Punanna Berk Farcen‘s killer Nordick Notamuslim and she made damn sure that partner number two Ulrik Strange met a similar fate when she shot him 18 times through both nipples all over some trifling “murders” he supposedly “committed”. Happenstance? If you say so, buddy boy. You’re more likely to have survived a direct hit on floor 94 of the World Trade Center on 9/11 followed by the 3 mile drop onto iron railings than you are partnership with Lund. The upshot of this is that Sarah Lund has the cold fish eyes of a killer, slaughters every partner she has and is the worst human being ever conceived.
We begin The Killing‘s third and final series on board the good ship Medea, an old freight banger moored off the coast of Denmark. Its three-man crew have seen better days. Two lie murdered and as the one remaining survivor slithers free of the ropes binding him to issue a distress signal it becomes clear that this is no ordinary bag of shit freight ship. No. This is the Ship of Death. It certainly is for contestant number three as his unknown assailant chases him from starboard to port and back again in a breathless Das Boot meets Benny Hill claustrophobic pursuit and puts him to death properly. He will be found on a scrapyard by the docks cut up into multiple pieces quite soon. Not for nothing is it called The Killing.
“The upshot of this is that Sarah Lund has the cold fish eyes of a killer, slaughters every partner she has and is the worst human being ever conceived.”
And I’ll tell you who will be getting it next. New police inspector Asbjørn Juncker (Sigurd Holmen le Dous (hereafter known as Pigturd Holeman le Douche). He’s keen to make a good impression on Lund. Sarah shows him the ropes which is as good as being her partner and we all know how that ends. Pigturd is a man with a large and strange forehead who looks like he’s played a few orcs in his time but that’s really academic now as he’ll be playing a corpse very shortly as he’s hanging with Sarah “Grim Reaper” Lund who has killed more men than heart attacks, mining disasters and Heston Blumenthal restaurants combined.
“‘I understand if you think I did everything wrong because I did’ she continues. This is a way better confession than the ones she usually beats out of suspects.”
But it’s not all about Sarah and her insatiable bloodlust. Also relevant is Danish shipping and oil conglomerate Zeeland, who pwn3d the Ship of Death. Robert Zeuthen (Anders W. Berthelsen) is running the show, is pally with the Liberal Prime Minister Kristian Kamper (Olaf Johannessen) and the PM keeping Zeeland in Denmark is central to the government’s plans for regeneration. The Zeeland board want to move their manufacturing abroad to Asia and get rich off the back of slave labour – Zeuthen though wants to stay put for now.
This pleases the Prime Minister no end and something else that pleases him is cosying up to Centre Party leader Rosa Lebech (Sara-Marie Maltha). Politically, they are in bed together doing the coalition politics to each other and literally they are in bed together doing the blowalition sex to each other. I bet she’s seen a few encouraging polls in her time. Problems? Theygøddem!
On the parenting front Sarah is still a huge fail, struggling to communicate with nausey Mark who now has pregnant girlfriend Eva in tow. In a rare display of something approaching emotion Sarah tells him “I know I haven’t always been there for you” but Mark is all a whevs on that score. “I understand if you think I did everything wrong because I did” she continues. This is a way better confession than the ones she usually beats out of suspects. And yet the fact remains that Sarah is as useless a mother as she is effective a murderer. Mark is an unholy gobshite though so the less we see of him the better.
“Will we have a Lindbergh baby on our hands? The kidnapper uses up his free O2 phone minutes to have aimless chats with Sarah and issue cryptic Truth Terrorist style statements, muddying the water further.”
But while Sarah is busy trying to figure out why somebody made sailor casserole on Medea, a wrong ‘un kidnaps Zeuthen’s daughter Emilie (Kaya Fjeldsted). That move comes from left field and catches everyone on the hop. Will we have a Lindbergh baby on our hands? The kidnapper uses up his free O2 phone minutes to have aimless chats with Sarah and issue cryptic Truth Terrorist style statements, muddying the water further. Sarah’s police academy flame Mathias Borch (Nikolaj Lie Kaas hereafter known as Dikholevag Lie Aarse) turns up working for Special Branch investigating the kidnapping and whoever his next of kin is needs to get life insurance because his proximity to Lund just shot him right to the top of the dead pool.
It’s a strong opening two hours of what Sofie Gråbballs insists will be the final series of Forbrydelsen. Lund is kind of screwed and the persistent raincloud over her head doesn’t seem like shifting any time soon. Misery, abandoned buildings and breathless climaxes seem certain to follow. She certainly won’t be getting any other kind of breathless climax as any fellow she takes a shine to is a dead man walking. Watch out boys she’ll chew you up. The first four episodes suggest the Danes want to go out slugging. I think they’ll make it.
The verdict on The Killing Series 3: Necessary gruffness.
Marks out of 10: 8
Imagined: Saturday 17th November 2012