Steve McClaren – cock juggling thundercunt who needs to be showered with mares’ piss every time he opens his cunt mouth
End this nonsense now
When toothsome promoted-over-his-head company man shitheel Steve McClaren trudged off the Wembley pitch in November after England’s infinitely wanky failure to qualify for the European Championships, his sole consolation was that the humiliation was over. Yes he was now the worst England manager in history, derided nationwide and whatever tiny portion of respect that existed for him in the game was obliterated but now he could quietly go about his business unmolested. In the pre-Internet age, maybe, but McClaren is now viral clown prince of YouTube thanks to an interview he gave to Dutch TV about his new side Twente drawing Arsenal in the Champions’ League.
A disturbing insight into the "mind" of Steve McClaren
"McClaren ambles through the chat talking in a weird mixture of Ruud Gullit, Officer Crabtree from ‘Allo ‘Allo and Chef from the Muppets."
In what is the worst interview performance since Paul Tulip crashed and burned on The Apprentice, McClaren ambles through the chat talking in a weird mixture of Ruud Gullit, Officer Crabtree from ‘Allo ‘Allo and Chef from the Muppets. The performance also features Gallic shrugging, General Franco hand gestures and for all we know nods to Plastic Bertrand. "We are not just what you call.. underdogs?" says McLaren "We are masshive underdogs". McClaren is not just what you call… cock? He is masshive cock
“McClaren is not just what you call… cock? He is masshive cock.”
But he is not the first sports personality to come a cropper in a TV interview. 12 years on, Kevin Keegan’s post match meltdown still shocks and delights; Mike Tyson made a career out of interview outbursts: telling a pressman "I’ll fuck you ’til you love me" and expressing a desire to stomp on children’s testicles among the more lurid of them. And when NFL quarterback Jim Everett dared his biggest critic Jim Rome to call him "Chris" to his face (Rome’s long-running nickname for Everett, comparing him to female tennis player Chris Evette) it was probably inevitable that things would descend into Jerry Springer territory.
"It’s high time we acknowledged that all sport interactions with the press should only be conducted via a PR professional, interpreter or mime artist."
But that’s sporting interviews for you. Television has an insatiable need for reaction, however fatuous. Most sporting folk are only capable of conversing in cliché so continuing with these face-to-face interviews is a cruelty on athlete and viewer alike. It’s high time we acknowledged that all sport interactions with the press should only be conducted via a PR professional, interpreter or mime artist. That way we can enjoy our sports bulletin in peace, free from the tyranny of truism and platitude that the sport interview brings. And Steve McClaren can go back to what he does best – being an abysmal turd at everything he does.
Imagined: 22 August 2008