aerial telly: the television panopticonYou 'people' make me sick

Over 500 Reviews. Including: Battlestar Galactica, Veronica Mars, Prison Break, Deadwood, The Shield, 30 Rock, 24, The Wire and Lost. Updated Wednesdays and Fridays. You "people" make me sick.

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TV REVIEWS

7 Days on the Breadline

9/11 Faker

10 Years Younger

24: Season 4

24: Season 5

24 Season 5 finale

24: Season 6

24 Season 7

30 Rock

Aerial Telly Awards 2005

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Aerial Telly search queries

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Aerial Comment

"Ah fuck it - the cunt bit me" - a Steve Irwin tribute

Alive: Back To The Andes

Amy Winehouse on Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Amy Winehouse on the Charlotte Church show

Anti-Social Old Buggers

The Apprentice

The Apprentice Series Three Final

The Apprentice Series 3 half-term report

The Apprentice Season 4

The Apprentice Series 4 Finale

The Armstrongs

Arrested Development

Ashes to Ashes

Balderdash And Piffle

Battlestar Galactica Season 3

Battlestar Galactica Season 3 finale

Battlestar Galactica Season 4

Battlestar Galactica Season 4 mid-season finale

Battlestar Galactica Series finale

Battlestar Galactica: Sometimes a Great Notion

Battlestar Galactica - The Plan

Beauty And The Geek

Being Human

Bernard Manning From Beyond the Grave

Bernard Matthews Golden Moments

Big Brother 2005

Big Brother 2006 Launch Night

Big Brother 2007

Big Brother 2007: Get that chickenhead hoodrat out

Big Brother 2008

Big Brother 2008 - It's a Wonderful Life (when you're not in it

Big Brother 2008 - Mario must die

Big Brother 2008: Stuart tapped the compassion vending machine and it toppled over and fell on top of him

Big Brother's Big Mouth

Big Brother, Emily Parr and racism

Big Brother got no gas, Sienna Miller got no ass, Mark Ronson got no class

Big Brother poetry

Big Brother, Shilpa Shetty and racism

Bionic Woman pre-air pilot

Bo! in the USA

Bodies

Bodies series finale

Body Shock: Half Ton Man

Bollocks To Cancer

Bonekickers

The Boys Who Killed Stephen Lawrence

Breaking Bad

Bring Back...Grange Hill

Britney and Kevin: Chaotic

Bully Beatdown

Californication

Carnivale

Caprica pilot

Castrating Galactica - why Faceman needs to can it

Catherine Tate Christmas Special

CBeebies website

Celebrity Big Brother

Celebrity Big Brother 2006

Celebrity Big Brother 2007

Celebrity Big Brother 2009

Celebrity Fit Club

Celebrity Love Island

The Charlotte Church Show

China

Christmas television 2006

Christmas TV 2009 - what not to watc

Clever v Stupid

Comic Relief Does The Apprentice

Coming Of Age

Compulsion

The Contender

The Contender Season Two

Criminal Justice

Criminal Justice Season Two

The Cube

Cutting Edge: My Kid's Psychic

Cutting Edge: Pram Face

Damages

The Dark Side Of Porn

The Dark Side Of Porn: Amateur Porn

Dead Ringers

Deadwood

Deadwood - a lament

Deadwood Season 3

Derren Brown: The Heist

Derren Brown's Russian Roulette

Derren Brown - Trick Or Treat

Dexter Season One

Dexter Season Two

Dexter Season 4 Finale

Dexter Season 4 Premiere

Dispatches: The Big Heist

Doctor Who

Dragons Den

Drive

EastEnders

Election 2005 coverage

Emily Parr - an apology

Entourage Season 5 Premiere

Escape to the Legion

Euro 2008 TV coverage

Everybody Hates Chris

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Extras Christmas special

The Family

Fat Beauty Contest

Feel The Force

Firefly - The Complete Series

Fix My Fat Head

FlashForward

FlashForward midseason report

Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir

Fonejacker

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Generation Kill

Getting On

Glee

Going Cold Turkey

Guys And Dolls

Hannah Bradbeer - wide forehead having X Factor goddess

Harper's Island

Heather Mills: what really happened

Heroes

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Hidden Lives - Three In A Bed

Home Time

House

How Not To Live Your Life

HSBC adverts

I'm All Shook Up: Parkinson's at 25

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, 2006

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2008

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2009

In This Corner

The Inbetweeners

Inside Waco

Jericho

John From Cincinnati

Jordan and Peter: Marriage And Mayhem

Joss Whedon's Dollhouse will be the greatest television show in history

Journeyman

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Keys To The Vip

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Life

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Louis Theroux - The City Addicted to Crystal Meth

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Mad Men

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The Madness of Boy George

Mars Believe World Cup Campaign

Man vs Wild

Martina Cole's The Take

Mary Archer

The Mentalist

Mercy Series Premiere

Michael Carroll: King Of Chavs

Misfits

The Mitchell Brothers' Return

Mock the Week

Monkey Dust

Morales v Barrera III

My Family

My Name Is Earl

My Penis And I

My Supermodel Baby

Nibble Nobby's Nuts adverts

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Neighbours 20th anniversary show

No Angels

No Heroics

Old Enough To Be His Mother

Oscars 2005

Paradox

Party Animals

Peaches Geldof: Teen America

Pete Burns' Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares

The Peter Serafinowicz Show

The Pick-up Artist

The Pickup Artist Season 2 Premiere

Preston's Walk Out on Never Mind The Buzzcocks

Prison Break

Prison Break 2

Prison Break Season Two: half-term report

Prison Break Season Two Premiere

Prison Break Season Two Finale

Prison Break Season 4 Half Term Report

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Space Cadets

Space Cadets

Channel 4

This time they Really Have Gone Too Far. That's the consensus anyway. With Space Cadets Channel 4 are attempting to fool a group of contestants into believing that they have gone into space.

"The contestants answered an ad looking for "thrill-seekers". That would suggest perverts to me, particularly if it was on Channel 4 headed paper but still they came.."

The contestants answered an ad looking for "thrill-seekers". That would suggest perverts to me, particularly if it was on Channel 4 headed paper but still they came.

Nine contestants and three planted actors (taking the Channel 4 shilling) took an aeroplane from Norfolk to a Russian air base. Except it wisnae. They flew around in circles and went to a disused American airbase in Suffolk cleverly disguised as a Russian airbase. There is authentic Russian litter strategically placed around the base, the electric sockets are Russian and the shampoo in the showers is also of the Ruskie.

Ex jailbird Johnny Vaughan hosts, laughing his monkey ass off in the studio at the dupes. He can barely contain his glee and he does have a tendency to over-egg the pudding. We get that you're excited, that it's a hilarious jape and that you're living on the edge Johnny but please, show some dignity.

You wonder about the psychological effects of such an experiment on the fragile minds of the clueless participants. Some have this as reality TV sinking to a new low - they obviously never watched Back To Reality. Channel 4 perpetuating the cruelest hoax since the Kelly Brook Is A Tv Presenter fiasco.

"One of the contestants says the experience is "like Chessington World of Adventure times 10,000". High praise indeed."

The contestants were selected for their gullibility - any potential troublemakers or questioning intellects were weeded out during the selection process, leaving behind a higher quality of cabbage to confuse.

One of the contestants says the experience is "like Chessington World of Adventure times 10,000". High praise indeed. In fact, Chessington World of Adventure's new slogan is "like Channel Four's Space Cadets divided by 10,000".

But going into space is a serious business even if you're not actually doing it. So, a former KGB agent supervises their physical training. Here, the show turns into SAS: Are You Tough Enough? as the bozos are put through their physical paces by a barking Russian loon who's probably spent most of his career torturing dissidents and the like. This is strange television.

The meat of the con is the space shuttle experience itself created by Hollywood visual effects specialists, Wonderworks, (The Day After Tomorrow, Apollo 13). Sound-effects and hydraulics give the physical sensations of take off and flight while state-of-the-art visual effects give them the view of a distant Earth as they look out of the cockpit window.

You may well wonder about things like G-force and zero-gravity - neither of which feature in the space cadet experience. But like a child wondering why he has two daddies, the space cadets sweep such concerns out of their mind and into the large box marked Somebody Else's Problem.

""The Fonz and Rambo sharing a high-five"

In space, no one can hear you scream. Apart from Henry Winkler apparently."

For entertainment value they show lectures where the contestants are told increasingly ludicrous lies about the history of Russian space travel and take part in some hysterical "space exercises" like relaying bizarre flash cards of activity in space.

"What can you see?"

"The Fonz and Rambo sharing a high-five"

In space, no one can hear you scream. Apart from Henry Winkler apparently.

Where are the ethics in all of this? Is it OK to cruelly exploit morons in this manner?

I think we can let this one slide this time. Aerial Telly has a laissez faire approach to TV ethics though even he will occasionally baulk at some of the shady practices employed on reality TV shows. Desperate attention-seeking turds they may be but it's a feature of civilisation that we protect those people who need protecting from themselves.

"Self-harmers, drug addicts and reality TV contestants - start differentiating between them and you're on a slippery slope."

Self-harmers, drug addicts and reality TV contestants - start differentiating between them and you're on a slippery slope. To say that one group is more pathetically desperate than another is to make a judgment call I'm not qualified to make. Yeah I know, like that's stopped me before but still, the point remains.

All such phoney concern comes as one of the contestants, supposedly an electrician, is revealed as an actor.

So who's fooling who? Can it be that Channel 4 are pulling a double bluff and making us the fool? You wouldn't put it past them but it seems like quite a difficult thing to pull off and they're having trouble enough pulling off the single bluff.

Should the subterfuge be uncovered the programme will be off the air and be replaced with Jamie's School Dinners. Now that really is taking things too far.

The best thing about it: The Fonz and Rambo moment.

The worst thing about it: It's a little too pleased with itself.

The verdict on Space Cadets: Trust no-one.

Marks out of 10: 7





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FILM REVIEWS

28 Weeks Later

2 Days In Paris

American Gangster

Antichrist

Apocalypto

Assault in the Ring

Atonement

The Bank Job

The Bourne Ultimatum

Bruno

Changeling

Clubbed

Control

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Dawn Of The Dead

The Departed

The Descent

Fahrenheit 9/11

Hard Candy

Ils (Them)

In Bruges

Juno

Lars and the Real Girl

Let The Right One In

Lust, Caution

Man on Wire

Notes On A Scandal

Once

Open Water

Pan's Labyrinth

Rocky Balboa

Saw

Super Size Me

Tyson

United 93

WALL-E

When the Levees Broke

The Wrestler

Zodiac

 

AERIAL TELLY'S GUIDE TO BETTING

200,000 undersexed schlubs have the weekend of their lives after following Aerial Telly's betting advice

Aerial Telly ascends to boxing divinity as a piss drenched Marquez howls like a mortally wounded animal at the stars

Aerial Telly's bookie - rest in peace, loser

Aerial Telly - love and compassion in his heart, cash money in his wallet and your girl on his jock

Aerial Telly pulls boxing from the flames of the 50 storey burning shithouse constructed by Valueless and Haye

Aerial Telly's refusal to take inferior prices on Miguel Cotto means he wins AGAIN

Aerial Telly shows a hell of a lot of class by not celebrating yet another night of betting glory

Aerial Telly wins crushing victory against forces of darkness - bookmaker on suicide watch

All the piss in Mexico City can't stop Juan Manuel Marquez from taking an L from Floyd Mayweather

Amir Khan World Champion before the end of the year? Get the fuck out of here.

Bernard Hopkins v Joe Calzaghe is going the distance

Big Brother betting. Brian at 1.83 - have you freaks lost your minds?

Cotto v Margarito - Aerial Telly's boundless compassion means he can't get a wedge on at the correct price

Emmanuel Dapidran Pacquiao is going to beat Richard John Hatton MBE

Joe Calzaghe is going to beat Mikkel Kessler

Joke Calslappy will murder chicken torturing, child support avoiding, dog murderer Roid Jones

Juan Díaz es el Bebé Bull pero Juan Manuel Marquez es El Matador

Juan Diaz wrestles back title of worst bastard in the history of forever from Turdmain Failur

Juan Manuel Marquez murders Juan Diaz to keep Aerial Telly's phenomenal win streak running

Listen up, fuckwads - Floyd Mayweather to beat Oscar De La Hoya on points at anything over 8/11 is the bet of the year

Manny Pacquiao is this generation's Roberto Duran and Aerial Telly is this generation's Ace Rothstein, Giacomo Casanova and George Orwell combined

Manny Pacquiao, the Mexicutioner, has killed more Mexicans than the maquiladoras

Manny Pacquiao, the Mexicutioner, Harvester of Souls, is the greatest fighter that ever lived

OK shitcake bakers get this: Manny Pacquiao is the greatest fighter that ever lived but Floyd Mayweather beats him

O'Neill at 4.5? Lay that motherfucker with everything you've got

Paulie Malignaggi is the biggest turd in boxing history and Aerial Telly is a first ballot Hall of Famer whose genius for calling the big fights is unparalleled

The robbery that wasn't, why Malignaggi is a massive toid and why Pig Tits slaps Poorly into an early grave

Ricky Fatton CAN beat Floyd Mayweather. But the value is Ugly Boy Floyd at 1.57

Roid Jones jnr? You must be joking, Joke.

Turdmain Failure will show Carl Froch that there is more to boxing than the ability to be punched in the face repeatedly without falling over

Turdmain Failure is the worst bastard in the history of forever

Valuev is such a gigantic turd even chinny blowhard ducker David Haye can flush him

When Ricky Hatton beats Paulie Malignaggi like Aerial Telly readers beat their Johnsons, "people" will wonder why the price was 1.48 just days before the massacre

Yes, Aerial Telly puts his money where his miggedy mouth is

You'd have to be a total kiddy fiddler not to back Ricky Hatton against Jose Luis Castillo when Bet Direct are offering 1.62

 

TV REVIEWS (cont'd)

Pushing Daisies series premiere...

Richard and Judy

Rome Season One

Saxondale

The Secret Life of A Manic Depressive

The Secret Policemen's Ball

Seduction School: Size Doesn't Matter

Sex Addict

Seymour Butts

Shameless

Shameless Season 4

Shane

The Shield

The Shield - Season Five Finale

The Shield - Season 6

The Shield series finale

Six Feet Under

Skins

Skins Season 2

Smoking Room

Sons of Anarchy

Sons of Anarchy Season 2 Premiere

The Sopranos Season 6

Space Cadets

The Spy Who Stole My Life

State of the TV Nation Address

Stepkids In Love

Studs of Suburbia

Summer Heights High

Supernanny

Surviving Disaster

Take That... for the Record

Talk to me

Ted Bundy - Natural Porn Killer

Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles

The Thick Of It

The Thick of It Series 3

This Life +10

This World: Kidnap Cops

True Stories - The Trials Of Amanda Knox

Too Ugly For Love

True Blood

True Blood Season 2 Final

TV's Naughtiest Blunders

Unanimous

Underbelly

Veronica Mars

Veronica Mars Season Three Half-term Report

Veronica Mars Season Two

Veronica Mars Season Three Premiere

Veronica Mars Season Three finale

A Very Social Secretary

Weeds

Weeds Season 3

Weeds Season 4

Weeds Season 5 Finale

Weeds Season 5 Premiere

When Fearne Met Peaches

When Lineker Met Maradona

Wimbledon coverage

The Wire Season 3

The Wire, Season 4

The Wire Season 5 Premiere

The Wire Series Finale

World Cup coverage

World's Deadliest Gangs

X Factor 2005

X-Factor 2007

X-Factor 2008

X-Factor 2009

 

 

MISC REVIEWS

40 Pupils Suspended For Bullying

606 with Danny Baker

Amazon Review Scum

Blowjob monologues and the like

Everything is retro, funky and kitsch on eBay nowadays

Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir

An Illustrated History of Dis

Fooled By Randomness

Hip-hop

Indie kids - munching on cock all day, every day, from now until forever

Listen up, douchebags: Larry Merchant KO1 murdering rapist hype merchant scum that constitute boxing's deal-making fight-avoiding turd elite

Morales v Barrera III

Music Sounds Better With You(tube)

NME cool list

Playlouder Reviews

Roid Jones jnr? You must be joking, Joke

Stan Collymore

The Streets

Vertigolf

War Winehouse!

We Expose Palace Security As A Bag Of Shite