You can safely call this the series finale as well because no way is Siberia getting a second season after this. The camp twats (Neeko et al) shuffle right through a minefield to get to the beacon twats (Johnny et al). They are reunited and it feels so good – hugs and high-fives abound. But of course Irene the walking Jonah steps on a landmine and one wrong move will remove at least one of her legs. Known amputee fetishist Daniel can’t believe his luck. He runs over to her praying that this is his moment and tells her it’s a dud and to just step right on off it. Don’t do it Irene! Even Sabina the soldier tells him he’s wrong but Daniel is too turned on by the thought of a legless Irene to heed counsel. Irene trusts him though and off she steps. Turns out Daniel was “right”. He is visibly gutted that she is still able-bodied but manages to force a smile. This is worse than discovering Tommy’s decomposing testicles in the woods.
The camp twats inform the beacon twats that Natalie is dead. Sam is all “sorry which one was that again? The one with the rack?” but before everyone can mourn the tragic death of what’s-her-face the big army rescue truck comes. At last! The Oceanic 6 are rescued. But instead of their saviours it’s bad Black Ops army men in masks who leap out of the truck, barking orders and letting off rounds. This is Vladimir Puta‘s Russia. They’re quite happy to let the cameramen keep filming of course – they’re not monsters.
The camp twats inform the beacon twats that Natalie is dead. Sam is all “sorry which one was that again? The one with the rack?”
They’re about to execute Catalina for being a nause when the mines start conveniently exploding. The Ruskies fire everywhere. The gameshow twats run into the cabins and Johnny saves Catalina as you can’t let good pussy freeze to death. All of a sudden the distinctive roar of the Valleymen fills the air. The soldiers scatter.
After holing up for a while the contestants make a break for it in the truck but Annie gets shot – it looks fatal. Everybody in the truck is all “‘FUCK you bitch’ and and kept going“. Goodbye, Annie. You can now join Natalie in bi-curious college chick heaven. As they drive away everyone laughs at her shit drawings of them all she did in her journal. She drew Neeko in a grass skirt with a bone through his nose and Sabina being herded into Auschwitz. Stupid dead racist Annie.
As they drive away everyone laughs at her shit drawings of them all. She drew Neeko in a grass skirt with a bone through his nose and Sabina being herded into Auschwitz. Stupid dead racist Annie.
The truck gets bogged down in ice and when they get out to push, Esther generously takes the wheel. Then, once they push it out she drives off and leaves them because that’s evil Esther for you. She had the money which she stole from the revealer, Miljan tells them. The little tinker! If only there was some persistent pattern of cunty behaviour that could have tipped them all off?
Esther drives off and leaves them. If only there was some persistent pattern of cunty behaviour that could have tipped them all off?
If not fatal because they soon come to the promised land of The Town. Only trouble is it’s been evacuated. They find the abandoned truck but no Esther and worse, no money. They barge into a flat they spotted a light in and in the best Goldilocks tradition they raid the fridge. Miljan finds a gun and pockets it, probably to kill Esther for not sleeping with him.
It’s a time for reflection and reconciliation. Despite the fact that she still has all of her limbs Daniel and Irene finally make out and WOW is that hot??¹ Later they gather together to watch shaky camera footage of a Valleyman chasing Johnny and Catalina. Then who walks in but Jonathon Buckley that presenter fuck. “You’re not supposed to be here” he tells them. That’s the ending. [/Rainier Wolfcastle]
Then who walks in but Jonathon Buckley that presenter fuck. “You’re not supposed to be here” he tells them. That’s the ending. [/Rainier Wolfcastle]
It’s a seriously limp finish to show that actually had quite a few things going for it. There was a good character mix, a well woven fact-based mythology and some nice relationships like Sam and Daniel’s father-son double act and what’s-her-face and Dead Doris was an unforgettable love story. The search for the new Lost goes on. Nobody gave two fucks about Siberia but it was better than the apparently bullet-proof Revolution even if it had fewer viewers than Danny Dyer’s Run For Your Wife.
The verdict: Blessed by icons no one else could trust in.
Marks out of 10: 6
¹ Imagine the frozen moons of Jupiter. It’s a really bad day and you’re standing in your underpants with your feet encased in liquid nitrogen with an ice dragon breathing down your neck and there’s a bitch of a draft whipping round your undercarriage. That’s warm compared to the heat generated by Daniel and Irene.