Have you ever wondered what the dating world would be like if sexual attraction weren’t properly about looks? No, neither has anyone else and I include everyone involved in Sexy Beasts which is regrettably not a sequel to Jonathan Glazer’s Sexy Beast but rather a dating show where three reality TV fucks (male, plastered with prosthetics) attempt to charm their way into the drawers of another reality TV fuck (female, plastered with prosthetics). BUT this time with a difference: they’ll all be wearing prosthetics. Did I mention that? It’s to disguise their real looks so their personalities can shine through. Well I’m game.
And so is Bethany our female beast. Bethany has been done up as a wicked witch. She’s a London girl – best in the world – 21 years old, and is into muscley, tanned, short, full-kit wankers with Essex accents. She wants to go out with John Terry essentially. She is currently unemployed but presumably she’s sexually attractive and therefore doesn’t give a shit.
Who’s out first to impress Bethany and us most crucially? He’s 5 foot tall self-proclaimed typical Essex boy Scott and he’s convincingly made up as an old man. “If she’s classy she’s got a good chance with me.” Scott explains “Big boobs, nice arse and she’s all right”. Awesome. He bravely confesses that he is bisexual although it sounds quite like Big Brother bisexuality – the kind where you’re not actually bisexual.
He bravely confesses that he is bisexual although it sounds quite like Big Brother bisexuality – the kind where you’re not actually bisexual.
After Scott is Ricardo. He’s got class and style, learning and manners and as such has about as much chance of gaining first-hand knowledge of Bethany’s vagina as a prole has of getting into Cambridge with Prince William’s A-level grades. Rolling up in alien get-up, Retardo is a Ph.D. psychology student. Yeah, Bethany, who still uses her fingers and toes to add up, is really going to go for that.
Finally there’s Josh: At 6 ft. 7 it makes sense that he’s done up as Frankenstein’s monster. Josh is a full-time athlete and potential Olympic rower. Aren’t we all technically potential Olympic rowers? That’s as maybe but his potential as a cunt is fully realised when he introduces a ukelele playing friend who comes in with a turdly unfunny song about him.
Firstly, Bethany will have five minute speed dates with all three boys to help form an impression. Josh finds the experience a real revelation telling the camera he doesn’t usually find girls funny (unless they’re drugged and tied up in his basement) “but she’s hilarious!” And she likes his sense of humour! They’re both hilarious!
Doomed Ricardo is up next and like the giant mangina he is, he brings her a present. It’s an optical illusions book which kind of reflects the theme of the show, except it doesn’t? Bethany is bowled over by his kindness she’s never seen a book before. She says that he is exactly the kind of guy she should go for (which means she 100% won’t).
Scott meanwhile makes sure to work in some of the very material trappings of his success. He’s only got a Porsche in the garage, yeah? And a Range Rover. Oh and four horses if you’re counting. She mentions that she is unemployed and wonders if that will make her feel really shit and maybe put him off? Here’s an insider tip for you girls: your job never ever matters. No man has ever been intimidated by how high-powered your job is and, unless you’re a sex worker, no man has ever been put off by your shitty job. No man in history will ever give a fuck what you do or don’t do for a living. Listen to the kid and learn a lesson today.
No man in history will ever give a fuck what you do or don’t do for a living.
Having established that he’s nouveau riche fuck he goes on to reveal his non-existent bisexuality which Bethany is understandably incredibly impressed with.
Anyway, in the most predictable shitcan in history she picks Ricardo to GTFO. The make-up comes off and he’s a handsome young black man so he’s got a good career getting shot at in Top Boy ahead of him. Bethany’s pretty gutted.
Now for the remaining two beasts to take Bethany on a full date. Josh takes her to swing dancing – it goes pretty decent. Scott takes her to an amusement arcade and that goes sort of alright. They’re both shallow cretins so they get along swell. When the big choice comes she goes for Josh as he’s not a fucking dwarf.
When Scott’s make up comes off it is revealed he is handsome if still two foot tall. “You’re really good looking” says Bethany perceptively “That’s really annoying”. Takes one to know one, fuckface. In an incredible turn up it turns out that Josh is handsome as well. And when Bethany takes her prosthetics off SHE’S beautiful too. Well, reasonably pretty in that Iceland checkout girl way.
So what have you both learned from the experience? Massive amounts apparently. Josh: “Before I was all about looks” Yes, and now you still are as is she. Bethany: “I won’t stare at people who look like witches”. Awesome.
Josh: “But it really shows that it is what is inside that counts” Yeah, or you know, the total opposite as is clearly the case you dumb piece of shit “The fact that she is beautiful is just a complete bonus” he says as he plans to dump her for someone who can actually read and write the moment she gives up the pumpum.
Bethany likewise resolves to go for personality from now on. Yeah, course you will love. These people.
The verdict: You know that he’s had animal nitrate in mind.
Marks out of 10: 4