So as we rejoin Shott and Failey it turns out that skank in the quarry IS Mandy Sweeting – stabbed in the tits, 23 years in a deep freeze then eight weeks in a quarry. She’s had better vacations. Rachel, Janet and those other guys vow they will bring justice to Frozen Mandy and ice her killer. It quickly becomes obvious that, like so much else in the 90s, the original enquiry was a haphazard, amateurish farrago and that there right at the centre of it was Rob‘s dad Frankie. Ever the diplomat, Rachel rags on Frankie’s retro balls up right in front of Rob the Plod and there’s TENSION like you wouldn’t believe (or care about). Still, it’s all very well being a smart arse in 2014. The early 90s you didn’t have your Internets, your mobile phones, your DNAs or indeed the body of Mandy Sweeting so just lay off, OK?
Once Mandy is thoroughly defrosted they discover a bun in the oven and tests reveal that her husbland Gary not was not the papi. Gary was arrested and grilled at the time but released on account of there being no body, DNAs or Internets. With Gary five years dead his mother and brother Anthony are a bit miffed about the quarry discovery bringing back bad memories. Stupid Frozen Mandy.
Any old road, some freak teed called Mick Devlin kept a wank diary of his teenage obsession with Mandy and it’s a priceless reference tool for the cops as they trace her movements. It also helps that forensics finger brother Anthony as both the father of Mandy’s child and her killer. He’ll be killing his frozen skanks from behind the bars of the state penitentiary from now on. In the end it’s not really one of the great whodunnits. If only every murder victim had a guy like Mick to watch over them, faithfully recording their jack-off sessions. It would certainly make Crimewatch a bit more interesting.
In other news Janet want a man to put his cock in her and Gill’s retiring. Say, one of the girls might want that job? As long as Rob doesn’t get it – imagine how annoying that would be.
The verdict: For the times we’ve had I don’t want to be a page in your diary, babe.
Marks out of 10: 7.5