Previously on What Remains: no one cares about Melissa apart from Peggy the nice one of the lesbians. Poor Peggy, she’s great. If every lesbian was like her you could banish homophobia overnight. What she’s doing with that other one we’ll never know but at a Christmas party in Kieron‘s flat she confides in Melissa: she’s leaving the evil skank Elaine or at least that was the plan. But fast forward to the present day and Elaine still has Peggy on lockdown, tying her to the bed and only letting her out for supervised Eggs Benedict, the worst Benedict of all.
But let’s get to the real point of the story and Melissa’s killer. That crusty old goat Joe Sellers gets a shock he walks in on a postcoital Michael who has just banged Mad Lizzie in his bed. You shouldn’t take your personal problems to work but Joe’s never been one for social niceties and he takes the opportunity to batter a pupil with his walking stick. As the police come to apprehend him he confesses: “It was me! I killed the tub in the loft and I don’t care who knows it, copper!”
But fast forward to the present day and Elaine still has Peggy on lockdown tying her to the bed and only letting her out for supervised Eggs Benedict, the worst Benedict of all.
Only he never. Because shortly after Melissa’s death Joe discovered her body and, assuming Mad Lizzie did the deed, cocked a deaf ‘un to the groaning of the floorboards and the buzzing of the flies. Because it was Lizzie who did for her shitbag stepdad with a pair of scissors to the throat back in Liverpool. And that’s why Joe confesses – to protect Lizzie the real killer who killed Melissa.
Only she never. A few months after Lizzie is arrested Len babysits for the now single Vidya while she has a date. He moved into Melissa’s flat officially because the smell of dead tub was just too alluring. He pops downstairs and notices that the door of Peggy and Elaine’s flat is open – Elaine is busy receiving a night-time delivery of two big sacks of ice so nothing untoward or suspicious there. Peggy’s body in a bath full of ice does however seem unorthodox and Len’s finely honed detective skills and 40 years of experience on the force tell him that something is amiss. As Elaine returns she fucks him up right in the guts with a lesbian knife and finally, FINALLY we know that it was Elaine the vicious lesbian who lesbian killed Melissa with the pure crystalline hate that only hanging around a bunch of women all the time can foster.
Peggy’s body in a bath full of ice does however seem unorthodox and Len’s finely honed detective skills and 40 years of experience on the force tell him that something is amiss.
Only she never. A flashback reveals it WAS Elaine in the loft that time playing a mean trick on Melissa but when Peggy comes up to defend her, Melissa rats her out, revealing her plans to leave evil Elaine. So obviously her only option is to strangle her while Elaine watches, playing ukelele and that’s exactly what she does.
So obviously her only option is to strangle her while Elaine watches, playing ukelele and that’s exactly what she does.
That’s why she’s chasing Vidya around the loft like she’s on Benny Hill. Vidya clumps Hellaine to the ground and a mortally wounded Len finishes her off with the bow and arrow (looks like those archery lessons came in useful after all). He dies a hero and a murderer and Vidya gets to raise a child in the most violent building in Europe – three female killers in 5 flats, a pretend killer cop and a soon-to-be convicted child abuser.
Still I imagine the rent’s pretty reasonable.
The verdict: That’s right, blame the lesbians.
Marks out of 10: 8