Not for the first time in his life Killer Dan wakes up having committed a violent attack on another human being. Miraculously Trey made it out alive but the post-pill comedown is heavy for both of them. Dan leaves a note for George apologising for fucking up the wall. “I’m over here in the creek, asshole” shouts Dead George “Lot of fucking good that wall is to me now”. Dan starts to cycle home and a puke mouthed Trey is woken by his daughter knocking on the door of his car. Effing high school reunions man.
Cycling 350 miles on a bicycle built for a child loses its appeal quicker than Dan will lose his appeal when he gets correctly reconvicted for slaughtering Hanna. As the saddle starts to chafe his nuts viciously he jacks it in and collect calls Tawney who is only too happy to give him a lift home. He confides that the only time he ever felt OK was when he was with her. She’s totally still wet for him and an already awkward drive back is made more hazardous by Hawney sliding down the car seat at the thought of Dan ruining her vagina. He demands to know why she forsook him. “Ah never four sucked you Daniel – what a thing to say” she says misunderstanding completely. He’ll explain it to her another time.
An already awkward drive back is made more hazardous by Hawney sliding down the car seat at the thought of Dan ruining her vagina.
When he finally returns Amantha and Liberal John break the news to him about the ten-year plea deal on the table from the D.A.. Dan grills a steak and says he’ll think about it. Ever the battle cat Amantha wants to take it to the mattresses – call the prosecution’s bluff, see what they’re holding and fuck them in both eye sockets if they play pussy. She’s a soldier to the core and it’s frankly a mystery why she hasn’t been fast tracked for management at Thrifty Town yet.
Once he’s demolished his sirloin Daniel suggests a counterproposal: zero years served for his confession. To make sure he’s doing it right he listens to his original confession re-enacting his murder of Hanna on an innocent pillow after shoving 14 psilocybin mushrooms down its mouth. You’d think after all these years reliving the murder would lose its buzz but it just never does.
In prison flashbacks Dan and Mister Wendall from Arrested Development decide that they’re the same sides of a different coin in the vending machine of life – the conversation is a timely reminder that 99% of deaths on death row are from boredom (the remaining 1% from the cooking). If things keep going the way they are this old pals’ act could be back in business sooner than they thought possible.
The ginger heat miser points out that Daniel confirming yet again for the 359th time that he killed Hanna may give rise to suspicion that he actually killed Hanna but Ted senior isn’t having it. Or at least he isn’t until a late-night rendezvous with Senator Fuckes at the tire store and whatever it is Fuckes tells him gives the old fella pause. My money would be a rundown on the coffee beans incident and Ted junior’s general crack area and you know what they say¹: once you go down Teddy’s crack you don’t come back.
The verdict: Pillow. Is it me you’re looking for? ²
Marks out of 10: 8
¹ No one has ever said this.
² Fuck you.