Rectify is one of those shows that asks a great deal of its viewers and this week they ask us to believe that an innocent milf spent the night with Killer Dan and survived. I dunno, man. I was right behind the Giant in Twin Peaks but this? Just unlikely. On his way home Dan spots killy Trey Willis at the gas station. He approaches him and there’s a stand-off as tense as the silence after Carol Ann Harris said to Lindsey Buckingham “I saw Stevie with her new borefriend earlier. Doesn’t that just make you feel like hitting something?”
Dan’s walk of shame back to momma’s reveals it’s been 3 days of shroom fuelled milf fucking at Lezlie‘s and Janet‘s not happy about it. On her birthday of all days! Speaking of birth days it looks like Ted and Tawney will be welcoming another angry repressed Christian into the world. Ted is beside himself but Mrs Ted doesn’t look so thrilled by the idea.
Still it’s a day for celebration particularly as it’s the day of Dan’s malpractice-suit-waiting-to-happen original lawyer Rutherford “Barry Zuckerkorn” Gaines‘ funeral. The eulogy is a shitty one with some shitty golfing jokes and the only real consensus in the area is that everyone is glad Gaines is dead.
Daniel isn’t going to let the moment pass though and he bum rushes the speeches to deliver his own. Having essentially sentenced him to death Gaines would taunt Daniel sending him books on the French Revolution – the only period in history where men were summarily executed as readily as present-day Georgia.
Daniel doesn’t know much about the French or indeed revolutions but he would dream about the events of late 18th-century France and “the contagion of menace and fear – and mercy be damned”. Yeah? And? He readily admits “I don’t know why I’m here exactly” and the cascade of boos, rotten fruit and hymn books that send him packing seems long overdue.
Sheriff Dagnabit and Senator Fuckes are trying to get Daniel back inside where he belongs. Dagnabit spills Ted’s coffee and choking story and Fuckes can’t stop laughing. Apart from being a hilarious tale it offers an identifiable modus operandi for any future prosecution. “Fuck a plea bargain, son” he tells the sheriff “We can get this asshole sizzling like fried zucchini and eggplant”. I think this means we’re going to be back to examining Ted’s “general crack area”. Oh boy.
Daniel has time to chat to Jared the Ginger Stepchild about stealing his Walkman. “You got to be careful” he tells him which Jared correctly interprets as a clear death threat. The soulless heat miser is absolutely bricking it and who could blame him?
It is another tumbleweed moment in a life that is as densely punctuated with them as girlfriends of Oscar Pistorius are densely punctuated with lethal bullet wounds.
But the family all come together for Janet’s birthday party. Dan turns up several hours late bringing round a shitty stinky gas stove he bought with Janet’s own money as a birthday present. Rats scurry out the gaping hole in the back as he dumps it on the kitchen floor and what looks suspiciously like a human thigh bone pokes out of the door. It is another tumbleweed moment in a life that is as densely punctuated with them as girlfriends of Oscar Pistorius are densely punctuated with lethal bullet wounds.
And the fun’s not over. Teddy gets jelly after seeing Tawney make moon faces at Dan and having specifically agreed to keep his mouth shut Teddy blabs about the baby. He really is a cock.
His look to Daniel seems to say “You may have put coffee beans up my ass but I’ve put an heir in the womb of the woman you love. How you like them apples, eh? Yes, you heard right. Ted Junior Junior will inherit my Rigs for Jigs fortune and there’s nothing you can do about it”. ” Yeah well” says Dan “Ah seen her in her bra once”. It’s not his best comeback.
We finish at the stream at night with Daniel tripping balls, hallucinating Dead Hanna who wants to know why he never shoved coffee beans up her ass.
She’s got you there, Dan.
The verdict: It’s all right now, in fact it’s a gas (stove).
Marks out of 10: 8