You don’t get much good news on Rectify but this week everybody gets a boost. As Dan and Janet get to work on their recently blitzed kitchen news comes through that Rutherford Gaines Dan’s shitty original lawyer, Georgia’s answer to Barry Zuckerkorn, is dead as a Paulie cheerleader. Cancer got the old piece of shit before Dan could get to him which keeps them about neck and neck in the death toll stakes. To celebrate Dan decides not to have a single flashback to the Row for a whole day. It’s trippy, for us and him.
In news no human living or dead could ever care about Ted and Tawney have decided they like each other again. Ted tells Mrs Ted she’s smart which is like Oscar Pistorius telling you you’re levelheaded, have both legs and didn’t kill your girlfriend. He’s in an upbeat mood now that Rigs for Jigs is up and running. Zero sales so far but he’s counted at least two WTF? glares in its general direction. Tawney wants to go to college and get a degree but Teddy don’t hold with none of that book learning for women no sir. Also, her period’s late like Ted’s response to the question “you do realise no self-respecting black man is going to set foot in your craptacular rim display?” Jesus, Ted. You truly are fucked.
Tawney’s period’s late like Ted’s response to the question “you do realise no self-respecting black man is going to set foot in your craptacular rim display?”
Over in Thrifty Town Angry Amantha is proving about as good a checkout girl as Rutherford Gaines was a defence brief. When she hears about her new employ Janet can’t believe that the high standards set by her offspring aren’t being maintained. Not for the first time Amantha wonders how everyone figures she’s the family fuck up.
New adventures beckon for her though. Liberal Jon has been offered a job freeing killers in Boston. Amantha’s 48 hours of retail experience instantly makes her more employable than 97% of Boston’s feckless Mick workforce so the chance of a thrilling life on the East Coast is as tempting to her as a defenceless drunk 15-year-old is to Daniel.
Speaking of, as part of his radical kitchen redesign Killer Dan goes to purchase a non-existent stove from a shitbox second-hand store. The owner proprietor (Tom Nuttall from Deadwood) is kind of a dick but he does invite Dan to a party that night round at his gaffe. “You’re about the loneliest person I’ve seen” he tells him. “Lonely like your mom” Daniel shoots back. Tom Nuttall chuckles and introduces himself as “Lezlie with a zee”. Dan won’t be lonesome at one of his parties he says. That may well be true Lezlie but do me a favour, yeah? Keep him the fuck away from the kitchen. And teenage girls.
Keep him the fuck away from the kitchen. And teenage girls.
When Dan arrives at the shindig it’s full of old radicals and young tail. Lezlie informs him that his infamous criminal status is the key to pumpum unlimited at parties like his. Dan certainly likes the sound of that and before long he is snorting rails of coke while making out with a hot blonde. “I’d sure like to RECTIFY that!” he says pointing at her fanny. Yeah, needs a bit of work that one chief.
Later Lezlie shoots a Spin Doctors CDs right out of the sky and the caper goes down so well he hands Daniel his rifle. The gun’s loaded and so is Dan. It’s as reckless an act as leaving John Terry alone with your wife but inexplicably the only thing killed is a Michael Bolton CD. You know what, this may actually be the best party ever.
The verdict: Boston teed party.
Marks out of 10: 8