You “people” have to understand that Prison Break sets the bar pretty high when it comes to implausible storylines, plot twists and general mayhem. Prison Break cannot jump the shark – it is the shark. They’ve always pushed their luck. But now, in season four, they are really pushing their luck. The Fox River 8, under the tutelage of Special “Needs” Agent Donald Self, looking to bring down the most evil criminal conspiracy since the Brother Beyond reunion in exchange for their freedom. It’s good the way former foes are working together against a common enemy but I just wonder exactly how mad Prison Break can get before it implodes under the weight of its own loopiness?
“He doesn’t do anything apart from sweat, look shifty and launch into impromptu speeches about ‘the captivity of negativity’. If Tony Robbins fucked preschoolers he’d probably look something like T-Bag.”
Take, for example, TV’s favourite toddler botherer T-Bag: pretending to be Cole Pfeiffer, dead Company flunky and apparently the world’s greatest salesman, working for The GATE Corporation. I’m not really sure how the world’s most famous fugitive one-handed baby rapist manages to fool his bosses into thinking that he’s actually working for a living as the world’s greatest salesman given that i) he hasn’t sold anything, like, ever; ii) he doesn’t do anything apart from sweat, look shifty and launch into impromptu speeches about “the captivity of negativity”. If Tony Robbins fucked preschoolers he’d probably look something like T-Bag.
His colleagues at The GATE (Greatness Achieved Through Excellence or Gullible Arseholes Torturing Everyone if you prefer) Corporation have also failed to notice the seven other most famous fugitives in the world walking freely in and out of his office and down through a hole to search for Scylla, the Company’s little black electronic book that keeps all the info about their nefarious world domination schemes, Third World puppet regimes and all the neat Cantonese restaurants. It’s buried in a vault somewhere in The GIT Corporation building and Scofield is exactly the hombre who can dig it out and BRING THE COMPANY DOWN.
“Being dead never held Sara back but she’s still determined to get him into an operating theatre – she’ll save his life even if it means killing him.”
But Michael is having nosebleeds like he came from Royston Vasey. He has a hypothalamus tumour that requires surgery or he’ll be all dead and shit. Being dead never held Sara back but she’s still determined to get him into an operating theatre – she’ll save his life even if it means killing him. Remarkably, the surgeon recognizes Michael as the world’s most famous fugitive and tells him he won’t turn him in (yeah, right) – he’s just interesting in fixing his shit head. What’s a low latent inhibition genius to do?
In a shocking twist that was leaked all over everywhere, Brad Bellick died saving others, drowning in a water main just to help BRING THE COMPANY DOWN. This set off a succession of maudlin vignettes giving the impression that we had lost a Churchill, a Schweitzer, a Paul McGrath. Yes, the story ran, he may have lied, cheated, stolen, brutalised prisoners, placed Tweener in a cell to be raped by Avocado but he wasn’t a bad guy. Yeah, whatever motherfucker. “He saved my life” wept an inconsolable Sucre. Good for you, Fernando, but it wasn’t your arse Avocado stuck his chubby up, was it?
“Bellick may have lied, cheated, stolen, brutalised prisoners, placed Tweener in a cell to be raped but he wasn’t a bad guy. ‘He saved my life’ wept an inconsolable Sucre. Good for you, Fernando, but it wasn’t your arse Avocado stuck his chubby up, was it?”
I dunno. I still like Prison Break. I’ll always like Prison Break. It’s still well written, still funny, still exciting. But there will come a time (and I think that time is fast approaching) when Michael and Sara simply sail off into the Panamanian sunset to enjoy their hard earned happiness, Linc finds a padded apartment to punch the walls out of and T-Bag is fed feet first into woodchipper Uday Hussein style and the rest of us can go back to whatever laff-a-minute larks we were up to when this terrific series started.
The best thing about it: Gretchen – evil pie.
The worst thing about it: Roland – pointless Thai
The verdict on Prison Break Season 4 Half Term Report: You’re free to go.
Marks out of 10: 7
Imagined: 14th November 2008