As explained before the only hiatus I want to encounter is Diamond motherfucking D’s. But, if you’re going to have one it may as well be produced by the Prison Break people. Kellerman teaming up with Michael and Lincoln? Oh magnificent. That’s how you do a cliffhanger. “President Reynolds ruined your life, she ruined my life.” Kellerman tells the brothers after shooting Mahone “You want to take that bitch down – you just found your inside man but it’s got to be RIGHT NOW“. He’s teasing of course because by RIGHT NOW he means the spring when Prison Break returns to our laptops and BitTorrent clients or TV screens if you’re the old fashioned type. Season two has so far managed to replicate the combination of brilliance and stupidity that makes Prison Break so effective as a conspiracy thriller/prison drama. Keeping the tension going outside the walls of Fox River has been hard work but overall they’re doing a fine job.
“The subject of more assassination attempts than Fidel Castro, Sarah has thus far had to deal with her failed suicide attempt, indictment on federal charges and her father’s murder.”
Though I will say this now: the T-Bag saga has gone on far too long. Having his hand hacked off, sewn back on then ripped off again apparently without any infection is just silly. Killing with impunity, leaving no trace and nobody apparently notices the one handed paedophile whose face is posted on every lamp-post in the country. Mr Indestructible needs to be destroyed. Or at very least get a new fucking haircut.
“Kellerman’s ‘Hi, my name’s not Lance and I’m not an alcoholic’ before proceeding to torture her is simply one of the finest lines in television history.”
Maybe he could follow Dr Tancredi‘s lead and hack his locks off with a razor blade. With Veronidurrr out of the way her shoes are being ably filled by Sarah – the sexiest smackhead medic on telly. The subject of more assassination attempts than Fidel Castro, Sarah has thus far had to deal with her failed suicide attempt, indictment on federal charges, her father’s murder and, perhaps most disturbingly of all, the discovery that their new fabulously gay fellow alcoholic friend Lance is in fact one Paul Kellerman, evil agent of the Big Conspiracy.
Kellerman’s “Hi, my name’s not Lance and I’m not an alcoholic” before proceeding to torture her is simply one of the finest lines in television history. He truly is a wicked bastard. But Sarah is not one to let being electric shocked and all drowned to death hold her back. As he leaves her face down in the motel room bath to prepare his body disposal kit (hacksaw – check, body bag – check, quicklime – check) Sarah manages to pull the plug out with her teeth. I couldn’t help feeling slightly disappointed that she didn’t drink the bath water then piss in his face. Her brilliance is spoiling us – she’s way more resourceful than Veronidurrr.
“Of all the hard luck stories Tweener’s hits the hardest. Locked up on grand larceny for stealing a baseball card, sold out by Michael, raped by Avocado and murdered by Mahone.”
Tweener‘s all dead and shit having been executed by Federal agent Bill Mahone. “Sorry kid” he said before the killing “I got nothing against you. But they do”. Oh that’s right, pass the buck. I’m sure you having nothing against him is a big consolation. Of all the hard luck stories Tweener’s hits the hardest. Locked up on grand larceny for stealing a baseball card (bad luck for him it was worth a quarter of a million bucks), sold out by Michael, raped by Avocado and murdered by Mahone. Still, at least he got some college ass before he died. At least I hope he fucked her. Knowing his luck she turned out to be a hermaphrodite.
“It’s a good job Michael has genius level IQ, low latent inhibition and a messiah complex or these two bozos would be hanging from the same rope as Governor Tancredi.”
Haywire, the last minute addition to the escape crew, seemed to have taken the most sensible option by aiming for a life in Holland. The Netherlands’ liberal values will be a perfect environment for a criminally insane escaped murderer. They call him the crazy one yet he’s not the one who tries to contact his family the moment he escapes. Admittedly, that’s because he killed them all but still, what were Sucre and C-Note thinking of? It’s a good job Michael has genius level IQ, low latent inhibition and a messiah complex or these two bozos would be hanging from the same rope as Governor Tancredi.
They’re not the only ones with troubles as Bellick admits to the murder of Roy Geary despite the fact that he NEVER DONE IT (don’t forget folks this is Prison Break where innocent men rot in prison and killers walk free). His lawyer, who plainly went to the same law school as Veronidurrr, tells him he’ll get the death penalty if he doesn’t plea-bargain. Shouldn’t the lawyer perhaps be concentrating on the fact that Geary was killed by multiple murderer T Bag and that forensics will prove this? Apparently not. And not only does Bellick make incarceration in Fox River part of his bargain hoping to get an easy ride he doesn’t even get placed in segregation – he’s put in gen pop with all the dangerous convicts he was mean to for oh-so-many years. He even gets to share a cell with Avocado which will make Tweener laugh given that Bellick sold his arse to the gigantic rapist back in the day. There’s a certain poetic justice there but don’t expect Bellick to see the funny side.
“Just because he’s made it his life’s work to frame Lincoln for a crime he didn’t commit and have him executed; murder, torture and harass the boys’ family and friends does that mean they can’t get along?”
With Kellerman now on their side you feel there will be no stopping the boys. And just because he’s made it his life’s work to frame Lincoln for a crime he didn’t commit, have him executed, murder, torture and harass the boys’ family and friends does that mean they can’t get along while taking down the President? I guess we’ll find out in the spring. But I wouldn’t want to be in Kellerman’s shoes when Michael finds out he tortured Sarah. You may just see a grown man cry.
The best thing about it: Michael’s unfailing ability to get out of any situation no matter how implausible.
The worst thing about it: The miraculous survival of T-Bag – kill this nonce already
The verdict on Prison Break season two: half-term report : The good times keep rolling.
Marks out of 10: 9