First, when there’s nothing… but a slow glowing dream that your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind. Then you realise that Sky will never produce any decent original programming and your dream dies like a television presenter masturbating himself to death over a freeze frame of Holly Willoughby. Instead, we get to see how they really get down at the Pineapple Dance Studios. You know – the Pineapple Dance Studios, the world-famous, legendary, groundbreaking mecca of dance? No? Well it’s about to get a whole lot MORE legendary so peep it.
"Andrew Stone believes he sings like George Michael and dances like Justin Timberlake (for the record, he sings like George Formby and dances like WWF no hoper Justin Credible but chill)."
Your attention is naturally drawn to Louie Spence, the dance studio’s Creative Director. A man as gay as it is possible for a mortal being to be, he prances, twirls and leaps from studio to studio, pirouettes down fire escapes and Swan Lakes through dressing rooms. He observes that Pineapple Studios is camp and that he, too, is camp and it’s safe to say that we are all on the same page there.
Say what you like about Louie, at least he knows he’s a preposterous old queen. Such self-knowledge is not shared by studio instructor Andrew Stone, who believes he sings like George Michael and dances like Justin Timberlake (for the record, he sings like George Formby and dances like WWF no hoper Justin Credible but chill). The ageing boyband failure perseveres in his quest for fame with his Scissor Sisters meet Animal Kwackers outfit Starman. He’s not lacking confidence though, saying "I am fearless in bed and that can be a negative thing sometimes because people get scared" which, coincidentally, was a maxim of Fred West‘s.
"The sound of dreams shattering is everywhere as audition also-rans trudge heartbroken from one rejection to the next"
For no reason I can fathom, we run into Rachel Christie, niece of Linford "performance enhancing substance" Christie, Miss England 2009 and only unattractive mixed-race person in England. But she seems like a nice enough girl. Alas, the presumably foreclosure threatened Michael Buerk panhandling the voiceover deadpans. "A few weeks later Miss England decided to relinquish her crown after allegedly punching Miss Manchester in the face" Ha! See, it’s not all dying babies with Michael – he can have fun too.
This is all entertaining enough. To paraphrase Nick Beggs, life in the Pineapple moves very fast and so must you. The sound of dreams shattering is everywhere as audition also-rans trudge heartbroken from one rejection to the next. Nobody would call this healthy viewing but it’s not life threatening either. Train cameras on rooms full of professional show-offs and you’ve got to get something, right?
The verdict on Pineapple Dance Studios: Pineapple and cheese on a stick.
Marks out of 10: 7.5