TV in general is a bit too rapey these days so it’s a pleasant surprise when a Peakoi Bloinder interrupts the violation of Ada. No good deed goes unpunished though and he gets a kick in the balls for his trouble. Don’t mention it Ada! Oh you didn’t. Meanwhile over in the Revenge Beating Injuries ward in Selly Oak Hospital Tommoi gets a visit from Campballs the Taig Killer. They reminisce over Secret Agent Grace – married now in New York, presumably not to a music fan. “That was some sweet Mick pussy” says Tommoi. “I’ll take your word for it” says Campballs sadly. He’s such an incel bag of shit. The last trim he saw was his mother’s as he exited it.
But he has not come here to be reminded that he will die a virgin. He’s come to tell Tommoi that he knows it was he who killed Eamonn Duggan and that he can therefore blackmail him to do like whatever he wants. “You belong to me” he whispers. Homoerotic tension rises.
The conversation prompts Tommoi into action. Despite having fatal brain damage, seven crushed vertebrae, a shattered pelvis, compound fracture of the femur, dislocated pubic bone, broken sternum and sprained vagina he discharges himself from hospital. He can’t think about convalescence when there are deals to be done.
And like so many sons of Birmingham before him he’s off down to London on the barge, swigging Bovril, rub alcohol and PG Tips. “‘Orroight!” he shouts at the first Londoners he sees before collapsing face first into a coma. And he’s the brains of the family.
Like so many sons of Birmingham before him he’s off down to London on the barge, swigging Bovril, rub alcohol and PG Tips.
He meets up with Alfie Solomons (Tom Hardy), King of the Jews. He’s not the real King of the Jews of course as they crucified him. Still, Alfie has quite a few rackets going operating from his bakery. He doesn’t see an alliance with the Blinders as a kosher move, particularly when it was Tom who put one in Billy Kimber‘s dome. For the 49th time this series Tommoi has a gun to his head and it’s just possible it’s starting to lose its impact. Despite his aggression Solomons listens. He is intrigued by this handsome gypsy. He probably wants to fuck him just like everyone else.
Back at home world’s thickest cunt Arthur is still having Grant Mitchell style Falklands flashbacks and in the throes of one he beats a nine-year-old boy to death. Everyone agrees it was a fair fight though and the kid almost certainly had it coming.
Still, it’s a warning sign that Arthur may kill a person somebody actually gives a shit about and with the Garrison reopening imminent the Shelbys need their boy in top form. Finn‘s solution is to get Arthur hooked on coke which is exactly what a homicidal maniac needs. The bash at the Garrison is a huge success and even that miserable old sow Polly gets some ass. There’s a whole lot of fucking going on in fact but even with a roomful of hookers Tommoi can’t orgy Grace out of his mind. That was some tidy Irish pumpum right enough.
As we finish Polly’s son Michael turns up on her doorstep. She reeks of sex, gin and is as pissed as a cunt and that’s the best way to be when viewing this spectacularly dull subplot.
And that dude who plays Sabini? Can’t act a lick.
The verdict: Jew! Jew make me feel brand-new.¹
Marks out of 10: 7.5
¹ Fuck you.