Your dead mother was a talentless smackhead who broke up the family home to run off with another talentless smackhead who asphyxiated himself while masturbating furiously over photographs of Kylie Minogue. Another talentless smackhead Pete Doherty recently accused you of ruining his Live 8 performance by groping his arse backstage. Your father is "Fockin" Saint Bob Geldof of Jackeenkissangel, Dublin town. Peaches Geldof has no reason to be this well-adjusted.

"Talentless smackhead Pete Doherty recently accused you of ruining his Live 8 performance by groping his arse backstage."

And yet she is. But that's not why Peaches Geldof: Teen America was commissioned, of course. Folk want to see how Saint Bob's clever daughter is shaping up. The follow-up to last year's Teenage Mind (followers of oxymoron take note) Peaches travelled America reporting on the current state of her transatlantic peers.

"The Peaches thesis is that America is a country of contradictions (no it isn't!) and it's kind of really weird."She spoke at length to virginity pledgers, gang members, filthy rich Orange County players and people who are having their bodies cryogenically frozen. Perhaps the idea is that the American teens will open up to somebody their own age but you never feel that she's ready breaching new territory that an all growed up interviewer wouldn't. It's not like Americans are ever anything less than forthcoming when making tools of themselves.

The Peaches thesis is that America is a country of contradictions (no it isn't!) and it's kind of really weird how you can find rich white kids and poor Hispanic kids fairly close together in California.

Well, I suppose it is. I hadn't really thought about it. I think this is the crux of why Teen America doesn't really work. It's a show for an adult audience and we really don't care what teenagers think - even an engaging, intelligent teenager with famous parents. Teenagers are idiots and their opinions mean nothing. They are selfish, feral, consumerist filth. Nothing wrong with that, of course but let's be real about this.

"Teenagers are idiots and their opinions mean nothing. They are selfish, feral, consumerist filth."

Peaches has a column in The Sunday Telegraph. She writes well which she inherits from Fockin Bob who is a far better writer than he is a pop star. But she is seeing the world through adult eyes for the first time. As such, she is prone to stating the obvious and generally being a naive teenager. The following exchange between Peaches and a Santa Ana gang member sets the tone:

Peaches: Why did you join the gang in the first place?

Scrote: Because of the violence. I thought it was fun going around beating up other kinds of gang members. But, then, afterwards it's sad and stuff...

He's right - it is sad and stuff. We are treated to the familiar homily about how the police don't really care about gang members who get shot. There surely isn't a non-scrote breathing who cares that these turds are killing each other?

Peaches tries hard not to sound like Daisy Donovan's Angel Of Delight character and doesn't always make it. She wonders "Why do Americans have so many problems with boundaries in their lives - whether it's too many or too few?" Kid, that's not Americans - that's humanity.

"You'd feel terrifically let down if she ended up in Nuts magazine in her bra and pants."Peaches is now 16, the same age at which Charlotte Church was awarded Rear of the Year. She will be a striking looking young woman any time soon. She has much of her mother's beauty and her father's doleful insolence.

We can only hope that she has the good sense to avoid being branded just another piece of uptown tail and being sucked into the three-ring circus of modern celebrity. She may feed the world or heal the sick but you'd feel terrifically let down if she ended up in Nuts magazine in her bra and pants. Slightly more so in yourself as you purchase a copy for research purposes.

As always with these things, Teen America works best if you hear the narrator's voice as Millhouse from The Simpsons. His insights into the world of high school America remain definitive.

The best thing about it: Gang members are always good for a laugh.

The worst thing about it: Virginity pledgers creep me out dude.

The verdict on Peaches Geldof: Teen America: Walking on the beaches, being interviewed by Peaches.

Marks out of 10: 6