Even though we are now three years into the greatest conflict mankind has ever seen Tommy still draws birds like a little bitch. He is traumatised by the memories of his shit dead mates and his thoughts turn to despair. “We are not conquering anything” he notes sadly “What if it never ends?” It’s OK chief it’s over on Friday. I checked the Radio Times.
He seeks solace in the holy Polish quim of Joanna but there’s a No Entry sign over her cervix. She’s pregnant and given her sexual history there’s a one in 3,500 chance it’s his. He’s delighted and tells her he wants to get married as she tugs off an Ottoman Lancer. She wants to wait until her shit dad turns up. Yeah, like he’s still alive, the dumb Pole. Anyway Tommy sends her over to his parents and you can just imagine how fucking chuffed they are. Still, shouldn’t be any problem getting bar work for her.
He’s delighted and tells her he wants to get married as she tugs off a Turkish soldier.
Over on the evil side Michael the Kraut gets himself captured by the Brits and winds up in a POW chain gang like a Pole. In a pretty amazing coincidence he and his idiot Bosch friends are escorted there by Tommy and his pals in the Ras Claat Jamaican Fusiliers brigade. Michael’s friend Freddie notes that the English are really not that much different from them. “We have the same accents and everything” he says “Apart from the darkies obviously”.
Michael plans a bold escape by running the fuck away in the opposite direction and gets Freddie killed in the process. The Jamaicans are all “easy, mon” but Tommy gives chase. When he has Michael in his sights he’s too big a bitch to pull the trigger. Michael makes good his escape back to a deserted trench, empty because he got all his mates killed.
It’s a testing time for everyone. That weird little infant Derek on the British side is going all PTSD and runs into no man’s land prompting Tommy to sprint over and rugby tackle him to safety. Although actually it’s Michael who ultimately saves him by deciding not to kill him. Apparently nobody wants to kill anyone in this war. I’m amazed casualties got into double figures.
The verdict: Hurry up and finish, there’s a chap.
Marks out of 10: 5