Contrary to popular belief there are no rest days in prison and in the immediate aftermath of Red’s slocking moves to frame an innocent party are quickly underway. Vee tells Watson and Other Tub to pin the Red beating on Crazy Eyes, her most loyal soldier. Crazy Eyes tells her she never done it but Vee thanks for her selfless sacrifice acting like she ain’t know. SIS are certainly buying it. But in his never-ending quest to be White Knight numero uno Healy gets Blowall Joel to give Crazy Eyes a bullshit alibi. It’s hard to take one for the team when even the screws are lying to clear your name. Maybe sit this one out, Suzanne.
Over in the White Privilege wing Chapman is kicking back in SHU for her impromptu investigative journalism during the Great Flood but Caputo has some interest in the file she was stealing. She’ll give him the full skinny if he stops her transfer. It’s enough to fuck Figuerhooer permanently and that sounds like a sweet deal to him.
He trots cheerfully over to his office to find Figuerhooer blearting like a bairn on the floor. She’s crying over her husbland’s hopeless cock addiction as if she’s the first politician’s wife to turn a blind eye while her boy takes it up the pipe. She quickly regains composure enough to get back to work and by back to work I mean sucking Craputo’s wrist-thick dick to keep him quiet. Like a charm it keeps him quiet – until he nuts right in her stupid mouth and informs her that he’s already given the file to the warden and that she’s as fucked as Peaches Geldof‘s daughter when some posh boy with a fringe comes up to her on her 14th birthday and says “Go on – just one hit. What harm can it do?”
She’s as fucked as Peaches Geldof’s daughter when some posh boy with a fringe comes up to her on her 14th birthday and says “Go on – just one hit. What harm can it do?”
Alex visits Piper to tell her she’s skipping town to avoid reprisals from Kubrick Bollocks the drug kingpin she fucked over. As Piper watches her last free friend leave she once again examines her life choices. But wait, she still has Larry and Polly in her life and they come looking for her blessing for their toxically dreary relationshit. She’ll give it if they grass Alex up to the law probation about her GTFO – something they are more than happy to do. Just as well Scientology shitbird Laura Prepong signed up for a third season, eh?
After squeezing the location of Vee’s smack stash from Boo the tub Nicky straight jacks it like her name was Omar Little. When Vee discovers her sad loss she gets physical with Other Tub and fatty is shook. So shook in fact that she and Watson hook up with Taystee and Poussey to plot her downfall. They will recant their statements against Crazy Eyes making Vee look like a proper Mister Confused. The vultures circle. Could it be time for a new black queen?
Never that. They should have known by now that Vee is too slick, too black for them. She circumnavigates the issue by hightailing it down the storm drain like a rat and exits into the woods, startling a nearby faun. It’s a wonderful 30 minutes of freedom for her before she makes it to the highway and an escaping Rosa sends her 70 feet into the air and into the afterlife. Morello did Rosa a solid and turned a blind eye while she stole the security van. She’ll be dead in 6 weeks which means that oncology nurses can safely leave their purses around again. If we’ve learned one thing as this impressive second season screeches to a halt it’s that women prisoners are thieving murdering scum who should never be trusted EVER. Good work from the producers in underlining this.
The verdict: It is now my duty to completely brain you.
Marks out of 10: 7.5