The season one finale of Orange is the New Black left deranged posh girl con Piper putting the kind of life altering smackdown on hillbilly shitbird Pennsatucky that Jay-Z should have put on R&B’s Anton Ferdinand Soflange Knowles after she dropped a shoe on him in a lift. As we rejoin her Pipes is smearing her dinner on the wall of her isolation cell like her name was world’s worst poet and faecal expressionist Bobby Sands. The bulls come and drag her out in the middle of the night and bus her to an airport where she and a plane full of other lags jet off to a location that for some reason they’re not keen to divulge. Must be a surprise.
Pipes relaxes and gets chatting to an old broad next to her called Lolly – she seems great. Halfway through the journey male prisoners get on and one chirpy tattooed-tear gentleman woos Pipes with promises of interracial lesbian rape – the old lines are the best. When they arrive it’s in Chicago. She’s down there with Will, Diane, Kalinda, The Biscuit from Ally McBeal and all those scenery chewing cocksmokers from The Chicago Code. Not that Pipes can mix in such elevated company. She’ll be rooming at the Metropolitan Detention Centre, Chicago. Shit cargo more like.
One chirpy tattooed-tear gentleman woos Pipes with promises of interracial lesbian rape – the old lines are the best.
The first thing she does is accidentally kill her dorm mates’ cockroach Yoda which ran notes and fags to solitary. This is pretty ridiculous as inadvertently killing a cockroach is close to impossible – you have to pound the shit out of those bastards remorselessly – the gentle regular footstep of a 100 lb woman in plimsolls is really not going to do it. Anyway, she has to replace it with a new one. Ideally big and slow like a Martin O’Neill centre forward. Non-smoker preferred.
It’s a hassle she can do without but she has some fun later in the yard enjoying her plane buddy Lolly – who incidentally looks just like Yoga Jones from series 1 – get a beatdown from some old fat cunt she talked greazy to. As the melee breaks up Pipes notices a familiar piece of ass. Why, that’s Alex Vause – her lover, protector, mentor, betrayer – all in a unusually attractive package. That girl certainly knows how to fill an orange jumpsuit and Piper feels the urge to urgently reconnect. The Vause is in another unit but Pipes persuades plane rapist to get a note to her just by giving him her four-day-old panties (they’re vital currency on the inside).
When the inevitable meeting comes Alex tells her Pennsatucky survived the mauling she dished out. “You fucked her up pretty good but that piece of shit is very much alive”. Turns out the purpose for the Chicago trip is the trial of the drug overlord employer Kubra Bollocks. Alex advises her to deny all knowledge of the revenge killing maniac. Her brief (Larry’s pops Harold) tells her lying is not an option. Like a good little co-conspirator though she tells the court to never mind the Bollocks – she was only in it for that sweet Alex pussy and remembers nothing of the boss man.
She tells the court to never mind the Bollocks – she was only in it for that sweet Alex pussy.
Ah she never learns. Because of course Alex tells the truth, puts Bollocks in the frame, Piper in the shit and buys herself a ticket to freedom. “What the fuck did you DO?” screams Piper at Alex as she exits chokey. She just fucked you, doll, and not in the good way.
It’s quite a serviceable return. Nothing spectacular but just enough sugar to make you want more. There’s just something about a girl in uniform, you know?
The verdict: Pretty vacant.
Marks out of 10: 7.5