As we begin, a naked Chapman is in bed whooping and hollering like an early Hollywood depiction of a Native American. What could be causing her delight? Why it’s Alex Nause slowly retrieving her sizeable head that’s all swollen and innocent from Piper’s privileged blonde snatch. Alex and Piper flashback! The depiction of the early courtship of two sexually attractive women is as unnecessary as it aesthetically pleasing. The bombshell from the past is that Alex has a few issues with fidelity, loyalty and telling the truth. Oh you guys. You’ll be telling us she’s into chicks next.
In the present-day it’s all about the rise of Vee. She and the rest of the sisters viciously bully dying tub Rosa out of her canteen spot. They’re doing a lot of that kind of thing these days. Their tobacco empire has paved their path to power – ironic enough given tobacco’s role in the plantations. It’s a crazy kind of symbolic reparation and no one’s fucking with them. Now it’s all after-you-Claude deference, bathroom back rubs and extra portions at lunch (because these huge tubs could really use the calories).
But with power comes responsibility. A sweep lands Watson in the SHU when it reveals fags in her tampon box. As Watson marinades in seg Vee leans on Poussey to deal smack out of the library. Get on board or GTFO is the gist. Poosay stands her ground, for now at least. She’s heartbroken at Taystee‘s betrayal but that girl’s mommy issues go canyon deep. To numb the pain Poosay gets twisted on her shitty hooch, takes a swing at Vee and buys herself a pummelling from Crazy Eyes in the process. It’s really not her day.
To further expand her powerbase Vee wants in on Red’s operation. Vee wouldn’t want to push that button too often. You sense Red will have her revenge, something helped no end when Nicky takes the smack sample to her rather than slamming it up her veins.
In Champmanland Polly turns up all a fluster full of irrelevant apologies and Piper figures it’s her who fucked Larry. A paper bag of flaming shit on Polly’s doorstep later courtesy of her fat brother’s stupid wife settles the score. Also on Piper’s visit list is the Shitbird Post reporturd who thinks that the embezzlement of prison funds is related to the Figueroa electoral campaign. Makes you wonder who the real criminals are, yeah? It’s all the inmates, obviously.
Makes you wonder who the real criminals are, yeah? It’s all the inmates, obviously.
Well, them and Pornstache who is fired and arrested for all that raping of Fat Daya he didn’t do. If only there was some kind of paternity test that could prove the child’s not his? Thing is he never would suspect Peg Leg because he just doesn’t think he has it in him. He may be missing a lower limb but he can fuck over a falsely accused colleague with the best of them. Get out of that, Mendez! (He almost certainly will).
The verdict: Smack my bitch up.
Marks out of 10: 7.5