The big news in Lichfield is that Pipes is back, getting the kind of looks you get after you put the kind of beating on a girl Chris Brown put on Rih-Rih after she says “oh my God how random is this – a text from my ex-borefriend!” Brook Soso (Kimiko Glenn) is the new fish swimming in her slipstream. The pretty but dimwitted Asian reminds Piper of her old self. Nausey, narcissisti, naive – all the enns. This privileged piece of shit gets right up Piper’s nose and now that she’s the prison daddy she can afford to tell her so. She does so too but you just know that she’ll be ears deep in that Asian twot before the season is out.
Chapman can eat a dick though. This episode is all about Crazy Eyes. As you would expect she was raised by a beautiful blonde white couple who adopted her when they couldn’t get a proper baby. Of course when they have a real one, baby Grace, it changes everything. A wise black maternity nurse fixes Crazy’s hair up correctly noting that cracka-ass crackers don’t have a fucking clue how to handle Afro hair. As she grows older whitey doesn’t understand her and not just because she’s a mumbling fucknut.
The pretty but dimwitted Asian reminds Piper of her old self. Nausey, narcissisti, naive – all the enns.
But back in the prison world Vee gets her. She fills her with black pride and that’s not all she’d like to fill her with. Some horsetrading with a packet of fags she had stashed during her last stay gets Vee a big old tray of chocolate cake she shares with Taystyee and the sisters. Immediately she consolidates the black vote to challenge the beaner hegemony. Pretty good for someone not out of orange yet.
It was Crazywho was able to retrieve Vee’s fags and that’s not the only good turn on her record. It we she who smacked Chapman in the jaw at Christmas saving Pennsatucky‘s life and shaving about 15 years off Chapman’s sentence. She really is the git that just keeps on giving. One day white America will love her. One day.
In other news Daya‘s still pretending pregnancy is the cause of her obesity and Morello gets a sprained vag over that cocksmoker she’s not marrying. You won’t see it in the Scared Straight videos but these are the bad times.
The verdict: Never gonna survive unless you get a little Crazy.
Marks out of 10: 7.5