The last time a character nicknamed Pipes caused this much trouble it was a paedophile ghost possessing Michael Parkinson and kidnapping Sarah Greene on 1992’s insane Ghostwatch. Jenji Kohan‘s adaptation of Piper Kerman‘s memoir Orange Is the New Black hasn’t gone that route but it’s definitely took us into some interesting territory. ANY of us could have ended up smuggling heroin into the country if we had only made the conscious decision to do so. “I’m you. I’m just like you” said disgusting tub of shit traitor Linda Tripp and in that very same sense Piper is all of us– a good person who just took a few wrong turns repeatedly and incessantly completely ignoring every bit of good advice thrown our way because we were just that stupid, narcissistic and arrogant.
In prison politics the big story is that Gloria is the new head cook – good news for the Hispanics, bad news for Red. But it’s not like Red to take being usurped lying down. She sticks grease in the cooker to sabotage the new regime but when Murphy opens it she gets enveloped in a fireball. She couldn’t stand the heat so she got out of the kitchen – specifically, into the nearest burns unit. Her ally getting lightly barbecued was not what Red intended. The ultimate humiliation comes when she is nexted in the canteen. It was flame grilling her own girl that did for her. Hoist by her own pet tard.
The ultimate humiliation comes when she is nexted in the canteen. It was flame grilling her own girl that did for her. Hoist by her own pet tard.
Needing to put out a few fires of her own is Natalie Figueroa although hers are more of a metaphorical kind lit by the dipshit staff. She cuts a deal with Piper: convince her fiance to stop badmouthing the prison on the radio and Pipes can have her prison wedding.
That’s if she survives that long. Pennsatucky promises her an ugly death and Chapman is on alert. Worst news follows when, in his typical wussy way, Larry dumps her after hearing from Alex that it was Piper who came to her to do the prison sex. So when the murder attempt from Pennsatucky comes (with a sharpened crucifix appropriately enough) Piper has the fury of the college educated liberal left backing her and with a kick to the twat and elbow to the spine she is on top of the hillbilly dental apocalypse delivering the kind of life-threatening beatdown Steve McQueen regularly put on Ali McGraw. The show ends with the pummelling in progress so next season Pennsatucky will either be brain-damaged or dead so we’ve got that win-win to look forward to.
Piper has the fury of the college educated liberal left backing her and with a kick to the twat and elbow to the spine she is on top of the hillbilly dental apocalypse delivering the kind of life-threatening beatdown Steve McQueen regularly put on Ali McGraw.
That and much else besides. Orange Is the New Black turned out to be the best of Netflix’s original scripted dramas. Of course Arrested Development is a GOAT contender but season 4 flailed wildly like Sean Penn at Madonna with a baseball bat. House of Tards wasn’t as smart as Kevin Spacey and crew clearly thought it was and Humcock Grove is far too silly to even watch. Orange remained funny, clever and compassionate throughout. Pipes is a less hard ass but equally self-involved Nancy Botwin. No criminal mastermind for sure but all the easier to empathise with. Jenji Kohan did it again. Give that broad props.
The verdict: Parole at first attempt.
Marks out of 10: 8