With its Ronseal Quick Drying Wood Stain title Murdered By My Boyfriend sets its stall out early. Yes, it’s about some broad getting offed by her lover. I say “lover” but the only thing he “loves” is punching her right in the fanny. Say hello to Ashley (Georgina Campbell), the broad in question. 17, beautiful with dreams of owning her own salon one day Ashley is filled with the promise of youth. Yes she’s thick and from the North of England but she has her whole life ahead of her. All 4 years of it. She hooks up with Reece (Royce Pierreson). A fine brother – handsome, charming, not currently in prison and head of a dogfighting and real estate empire that would put Roy Jones Junior to shame. He’s one of the eight good black men left. A whirlwind romance ensues and she can’t feel her feet beneath her. To be fair that’s because he’s choking her out 9 feet up the wall. You guessed it – this is the killer borefriend who will do the killing to Ashley in due course. Reece, you lovable rogue!
It starts as it always does with controlling behavior but nothing you could really take to the bank, Jeremy Kyle or the cops. It’s only really after 3 months when pregnancy and commitment kicks in that the violence starts. At first he’s all apologies but before you know it he’s all Facebook hacking, text checking and clump after clump after clump. “I treat you like a princess!” he tells her. Unfortunately he means Princess Diana and he’s Henri Paul at the wheel of the Mercedes.
“I treat you like a princess” he says. Unfortunately he means Princess Diana and he’s Henri Paul at the wheel of the Mercedes.
Like Noel Edmonds Ashley believes in cosmic ordering but unless she asked for the kind of four-to-the-floor pummelling Rebekah Wade put on her remorselessly heterosexual husbland Ross Kemp then it looks as if more research is needed on that particular fairytale.
After an unusually severe public beatdown at Ashley’s workplace they split up and unsurprisingly Reece doesn’t take to single life too well. Further stalking follows and to prove that romantic persistence really does pay off she accepts his proposal of marriage because – oh you know. It’s the worst relationship decision since Reeva Steenkamp said “Put your water pistol away, Stumpy. You’re not man enough to take a shot at me”. When the inevitable fatal beating comes it’s via that reliable symbol of domestic servitude an ironing board. Reece will be doing his lady killing from behind the bars of the state prison from now on.
So what have we learned? Reece needs to be tortured to death, Ashley wasn’t very bright and should have GTFO after that first assault when she was pregnant. Nobody really wants to hear that women are attracted to violent men – men who will end up killing them – but they are. The first thing greeting Reece when he gets to jail will be two sackfuls of fan mail from crazy women all desperate to be the one who really, really gets him. Because he’s such a catch.
In other news: this Royce Pierreson kid can’t act a lick. Where do BBC3 find these ass clowns?
The verdict: Noel Edmonds doesn’t care about black people.
Marks out of 10: 6