As it clocks up its half-century with a pull through square leg and a polite raise of the bat to acknowledge the pavilion Match of the Day might well reflect how things could have been so very different. Match of the Day at 50 reveals how people in the game thought it would fuck up attendances quicker than Oscar Pistorius fucks up a fleeing blonde on Valentine’s Day and how it only made it to air on the understanding that no one would watch it. And now two score year and 10 later David Morrissey narrates this sort-of-alright tribute to the Saturday night stalwart that’ll have fans up and down in the country saying “didn’t realise it was that old”.
Fuck knuckle nause Russell Brand is there of course. When he’s not offering insight like “politics don’t mean nuffink” and “it’s the bankers, mate” on Question Time Russell supports one of the Londung clubs. He loves soccer. More typical of his Londung brethren is illiterate 3 foot tall piss chugger Tinchy Stryder who supports Manchester United. Tinchy loves soccer too and Match of the Day? Oh don’t even get him started! No really, don’t because he has nothing of consequence to say on it.
Tinchy loves soccer too and Match of the Day? Oh don’t even get him started! No really, don’t.
Due homage is paid to the shows many accomplished anchors over the years: Kenneth Wolstenholme, David Coleman, Jimmy Hill, Des Lynam and the still underrated Gary Lineker. They try their best not to acknowledge Colin Murray’s existence but we know he’s there like a retarded brother they keep chained up in the attic. Pundits like the excellent Alan Hansen get their props too. That cabbage Ian Wright keeps sticking his oar in, a development about as welcome as a lap dance from Lindy West.
Rapper Lethal Bizzle unveils his version of the theme tune and it’s fucking shite. Stuffed with lyrics like “iconic game changer – everyone knows you are no stranger” it is futility beyond reckoning.
What can you really say about Match of the Day? It’s nice if you like football. “It’s a great way to watch all the games” notes Paul Scholes. You could probably have left it there.
The verdict: Soccer!
Marks out of 10: 6